Next level communicators own the room.
Next level communicators own the room.
The venue where we speak is one of the most pivotal factors for the success or failure of our presentations. Think about it. History’s most meaningful messages never took place in subway stations, street corners or empty rooms. Can you imagine President Kennedy’s inaugural address at the seventy-second street station on Manhattan’s upper west side? Or King’s iconic, I Have a Dream speech on Rodeo Drive in Los Angeles? Take their same exact words, which moved generations, and change venues, and they are barely noticed as people rush to their trains or the Gucci store.
I’ll say it again: Where we speak is one of the most pivotal factors for the success or failure of our presentations.
Now let’s keep it real. By the time King climbed the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, he was an established communicator, which meant he got to pick his place. Younger speakers just starting out don’t get to decide where they speak or how many people will show up. Often we are victims of the venue, but this doesn’t have to be the case. I’ve spoken at every sort of place you can imagine. Once I addressed a crowd of seventy something people outside in Israel, while cars whizzed by. When we first planted our church in Memphis we rented a spot called, The Guitar Center. The main area was cool, but a few feet to the left of the stage was a long hallway where kids met for children’s church…in the hallway! Can you imagine the distractions I had to deal with? From there we rented an auditorium that could seat around five hundred on the floor. Sounds pretty cool, but we only had about one hundred people coming to our church at the time. I could go on, but here’s what you have to know, and it’s something most communicators are way too passive about: Your venue will either give or take energy from you as a communicator. The best communicators have learned to turn whatever place they are speaking into an asset for their presentation, but this can only happen when we decide to own the room.
Whoever has the mic owns the room, and since we as communicators are speaking from a place of influence, the audience will help us to turn the venue into an asset. So what are some things you can do when you walk into a room which seats way more people than have actually shown up? Or a crowd that is not really engaging you? Or a place that is filled with distractions? I have found the following to be helpful:
Utilize the density principle. What this means is if you are speaking in a place which seats way more people than have actually shown up, it’s better to squeeze them together than have them spread apart. When we were at the auditorium in Memphis we utilized this principle by roping off the sections on the far left and right, and having people sit close together in the middle. This was huge from an energy standpoint, which I fed off as a communicator. No, you probably don’t carry rope with you when you speak, but you can ask people to squeeze together. If you don’t feel comfortable doing it, ask the host to give you some help.
Be what the room needs you to be. One of the most critical moments in my development as a communicator happened when I began speaking for a ministry which did marriage conferences in hotel ballrooms. After my first conference, my mentor told me he could tell I was used to preaching in churches, because while my content was good there was a significant difference between a church and a ballroom. In a ballroom he encouraged me to be more relaxed, more personal. And then he ended by saying to always be what the room needs you to be. That’s not just true with ballrooms, but with the size of the crowd as well. The smaller the crowd the more relational I become in my presentation. I may lay a hand on someone’s shoulder, or even sit down. These small touches are not small, but go a long way from flipping the venue from being against you to being for you.
Travel with your own microphone. Can you imagine showing up to a conference where you were told hundreds of people would be there, but only fifty come, and the only thing they have to offer you is a microphone attached to a lectern? So you are forced to stand in one spot…to assume a formal posture, to a room of fifty people. Not good. Invest in a great microphone with various adapters which can fit all kinds of mic packs. This will provide you with the flexibility and mobility you need to turn the energy of the room into your favor.
They will mimic your energy. There have been times I’ve looked at the crowd and realized this is going to be tough. Maybe it’s because I’m speaking right after lunch, or later in the day when they are clearly ready to go home, or in a space that’s energy deficient. It’s in these moments I have a pep talk with myself right before I hit the stage, where I say, “Crank up the energy Bryan.” You want them to be energetic and engage, you be energetic and engage.
What I’m Reading:
The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O’Connor.
The ten best books I read in 2025.
The ten best books I read in 2025.
Next level communicators consume vast amounts of content- a theme I picked up early when I spent time with my favorite speakers. Their habit inspired me to become a voracious reader. Here’s my top ten books I read this year. I know. I know. The year isn’t over yet, but some of you have asked me to release my top ten list earlier so you can get some ideas for Christmas gifts. Well, with “Black Friday,” looming, no better time than now.
#10- Mark Twain, by Ron Chernow
Ron Chernow is one of my favorite biographers. If you haven’t read his book on Grant, put it on your list. And then of course is his biography on Alexander Hamilton, which Lin Manuel Miranda read and inspired him to write the award winning play. I think Chernow has a thing for prolific cigar smokers, because Grant smoked twenty a day, and Twain doubled that by smoking forty a day! My only critique is the book should be at least a third shorter (well over a thousand pages). But it’s hard not to write an entertaining work on Twain, with all of his wit and humor and tragedy and suffering.
#9- Gratitude, by Cornelius Plantinga
Some books come out of nowhere and surprise you with the depth of impact. I don’t know what it is about this book, but it stuck to my bones. I didn’t read Gratitude because I felt I have a deficit in this area, but more out of curiosity. When I finished I was convicted and inspired all at once.
#8- 1929: Inside the Greatest Crash in Wall Street History- and How it Shattered a Nation, Andrew Ross Sorkin
If you haven’t picked up by now, I love history. I always assumed the stock market crash was felt immediately, but it was a slow, devastating drip. President Hoover still had a good chance at reelection, but his failure to deal with reality and lead courageously opened the door for Franklin Roosevelt to beat him. For example, in the past when the market crashed, the word “panic” was used; but Hoover decided to come up with what he thought was a better word to keep people calm- “depression”. Yeh, that didn’t work. Fascinating read.
#7- The Pale-Faced Lie, David Crow
If you are a father and want motivation to invest in your children with love, then read this heart-breaking book about an abusive dad who lives for himself and rips his family a part in the process. But somehow, David not only survives, but thrives. A real story of strength and resiliency.
#6- Lyndon Johnson and the American Dream, Doris Kearns Goodwin
I finally got around to this Pulitzer prize winning book. My favorite decade in history is the 1960s, and Lyndon Johnson is a key figure. No matter what side of the political aisle you fall on, we have to give Johnson credit for his sheer legislative genius. His ability to win people over to his side continues to reverberate today, as the poor and minorities have resources and freedom because of President Johnson. But as much of a sheer force as he was domestically, his poor handling of the Vietnam War is what led to his undoing. One more thing. President Johnson always had a chip on his shoulder towards what he called, “The Ivy’s”- people who went to elite Ivy League schools. So he would often hold meetings in the bathroom, surrounded by these “Ivy’s,” and give directives all while handling his business. Unreal.
#5- The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt
Every parent needs to read this. Now.
#4- Rejoice and Tremble: The Surprising Good News of the Fear of the Lord, Michael Reeves
What a beautiful soul stirring book, where Reeves argues how fear is a reality of life. The question is not so much what do we fear, but what is our controlling fear? Our fears reveal our affections. So, for example, if I have a deep fear of flying, it’s because I love my life and safety deeply. The way to deal with fear, Reeves says, is not to have God take away our fears, but to crank up our fear (hear not just a sense of being afraid of consequences, but awe and reverence) of Him. When God becomes the controlling fear of our lives, that will make us fear everything else less.
#3- The Invention of Wings, Sue Monk Kidd
My wife Korie reads way more than I do, but it’s all fiction, while I’m all non-fiction. Last year I made a deal with her to have her give me the best fiction she’s come across so I can read and we have more talking points. Not to brag, but that was one of my better husband moves. I couldn’t put this book down. It’s a piece of historical fiction about the Grimke sisters who were on the front lines of the abolition and women’s rights movements.
#2- The Familiar Stranger, Tyler Staton
Best book on the Holy Spirit I’ve read, so there’s that.
#1- Only God Can Judge Me: The Many Lives of Tupac Shakur, Jeff Pearlman
I really hesitated to put this on the list, not because it’s not good- it’s the best book I’ve read this year- but because it has some really graphic passages, but that was Pac’s life, right? He was at the center of what’s been called “gangstar rap,” which is a shame because he was neither a gangster, and his art was so much larger than the label. I’ve never read a more compelling introduction to any book. And when I finished I was filled with deep compassion for a man whose mother was addicted to crack and kicked him out of the house when he was seventeen, and whose father was mostly absent, outside of a few cameo appearances after Tupac made it big. No one really cared for Tupac, which made his unfortunate choices understandable. But as the old adage goes, “Your past may explain you, but it doesn’t excuse you.” If I had to put a rating on this book, it’s for sure Rated R. Oh, and can you believe he’s buried in Lumberton, North Carolina (Cue the conspiracy theorists who don’t believe Pac is dead!)?
So there you have it…my top ten of the year. Please hit me up with your faves. I’ll end with what the novelist, George R.R. Martin famously said, “A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies…The man who never reads lives only one.”
Happy Thanksgiving!
Next level communicators understand the power of introductions.
Next level communicators understand the power of introductions.
Mark Twain, one of the most sought after orators of his time, understood the power of an introduction. He once invited to speak on the day commemorating Europeans arriving at Plymouth Rock; it was to be a festive occasion, but Twain immediately “rained on their parade.” In a speech entitled, “Plymouth Rock and the Pilgrims,” his first words shocked his audience: “I rise to protest. I have kept still for years; but really I think there is no sufficient justification for this sort of thing. What do you want to celebrate those people for?—those ancestors of yours of 1620—the Mayflower tribe, I mean. What do you want to celebrate them for?” Mark Twain would go on to talk about what these ancestors had done to Native Americans and the evil of colonization…all in his introduction! Talk about getting their attention.
Whether we agree with Mark Twain’s view of the pilgrims and American history is not the takeaway. Rather, what should stick with us as communicators is he immediately grabbed their eyes, which is the whole purpose of an introduction.
The first words which come out of our mouths are the most important part of our presentation. Communication experts say we live in the most challenging time in world history as speakers, because of what technology has done to attention spans. Some have gone as far as to point out how we only have about ninety seconds or so to grab our audience's attention, or they will fiddle with their phones, check their emails or wonder what they are going to do with the rest of their day. Yeh, I know the really good stuff of your speech is in the body or the conclusion, but if the crowd is checking emails because you failed to grab them, then they will be distracted when the punchline of your talk comes around. Just like the first forty eight hours of a murder investigation are the most critical, so our opening ninety seconds are the most important part of what we will say. So we have to come out the gate swinging.
Here’s some essentials when putting together your introduction:
The purpose is to make people lean in. You can do this by making a provocative statement (Like Mark Twain), telling a joke, a fascinating story or raising an important question. You can also capture the crowd by some sort of visual aid. There’s a lot of ways to make people lean in and listen.
Introductions should not be random, but must tie into the body of your talk. Because of this, your opening remarks should be prepared after you figure out the essence of what you are going to say, or what your first point is. Think of it this way: When a person is building a house, they don’t build the front porch, or put together the landscaping first, but the main body of the home. Our introduction is the front porch or landscape- it’s what people first notice, but its value is that it is attached to the home. Figure out the central idea, or the first point, and then think through the introduction. What we say in the beginning should attach directly to our opening point, or to the central theme of the message.
Introductions should be brief. Do I need to say more? I try to stay in the two to three minute range (at the most) for my introduction.
What I am reading:
Gratitude, Cornelius Plantinga.
Don’t forget to check out my latest book, Grace to Overcome.
Next level communicators train their butterflies to fly in formation.
Next level communicators train their butterflies to fly in formation.
That’s not an original line from me- it comes from Edward R. Murrow who said, “The best speakers know enough to be scared…the only difference between the pros and the novices is that the pros have trained the butterflies to fly in formation”. Murrow is helping us to see not only the reality of butterflies but the beauty of butterflies. Nervous energy is as real as a butterfly on a cool spring day, and handled rightly can be a real help to us as communicators.
I don’t care how long you have been speaking, or how bad or good you are, we all deal with nerves. Mark Twain was not only a great writer, but a fantastic communicator who traveled the globe giving speeches. He once said, “There are two types of speakers: those that are nervous and those that are liars.” Elvis Presley said he dealt with stage fright every single show. And our third president- Thomas Jefferson- was so overwhelmed by nerves he had someone else read his State of the Union address. So when you find yourself battling nerves, remember you are in good company.
But anxiousness is not only a common reality all of us as speakers deal with, it’s also a needed companion to assist us in giving our best talks. We understand at the core of our nervousness is a fear of failure, but used properly we can harness this energy to help us focus more. Just think about it- most of the crucial things we have experienced in life only came when we met our fears with an uncommon focus- when we trained our butterflies to fly in formation. I remember when I first approached Korie (my wife); talk about nerves! Or job interviews I’ve been on, or the times I had to make a pitch for a book idea to a publisher. All of these moments drove me to a level of attention and focus I would not have experienced if I didn’t have a sense of nervousness driven by the possibility of rejection. It was only when I faced my butterflies and forced them to fly in formation that I was able to be successful. And the same is true with public speaking.
So how do we train “the butterflies to fly in formation”? I have found the following habits to be successful in leveraging nervous energy to my benefit:
Get to know your audience. Standing before a group of strangers in an attempt to persuade them is a daunting task. If I don’t know you it’s easy to assume the worst. So what I have learned to do is to take a few minutes before I speak to talk to the people in the audience (If I’m speaking multiple times in the same venue, then I will also stand in a prominent place like a lobby after my talk to get to know the people as well). Getting to know their names, hear a bit about their background and to see their smiles helps to humanize the audience. Now when I stand to speak I feel as if I’ve made a few friends, and that goes a long way to dismantling any notion these strangers are out to get me. This little cheat code trains my butterflies to fly in formation.
Get to the venue early. Nothing will throw your butterflies into more chaos than if you are running behind schedule and find yourself rushing to get to the venue. I know you don’t like sound checks…neither do I. But the beauty of the sound check is not the sound check, but that it forces us to get there way in advance, giving us time to feel the room and to turn strangers into friends.
Know your stuff. Another major reason communicators nerves get the best of them is because they lack confidence with their content. I once spoke on a Saturday night to an NFL team. When I asked about the schedule for that evening, they told me after I spoke the team had a walk through, where they cleared out a ballroom in the hotel and went through the first dozen or so plays of the next day's game. They needed to know their content. For us as speakers, our walk through should be internalizing and maybe even rehearsing the message. One of my first communication professors always said, “Less scared when prepared.”
You’ve got way more experience than you realize. The average person says 15,000 words a day, which means you are already an experienced public speaker, who's been doing this for years. Telling yourself this will help the butterflies get in formation.
Get a workout in. I have found a brisk walk on the treadmill, or lifting weights a few hours before I speak goes a long way in training my butterflies. I don’t know all the science or fancy lingo behind all this, but there’s something about a good pre message sweat that helps me manage nerves.
What I’m Reading:
Next level communicators play with dirt.
Next level communicators play with dirt.
Some years ago, gosh, maybe fifteen or twenty, I was speaking at a seminary where in the audience was one of my favorite communicators. To say I was nervous is an understatement, but I powered through, and a few hours later I found myself on a flight right next to this hero of mine. Never one to pass up a good opportunity, I asked him to give me some feedback on my message. He thought for a few seconds and then asked me if I liked jazz? “Of course,” I said. He then responded, “The great jazz musicians play with what they called, ‘a little dirt under their fingernails’. You could use a little more ‘dirt,’” he said with a smile. What he meant by this was I came across as too staged…too polished.
Got me.
I couldn’t argue at all with him because his critique was spot on. Up until that point my manuscript was about nine pages, and I would read it over and over and then practice it so many times that when I stood on stage it was like someone took out a remote, pressed play and I started talking. Every pause was planned, word carefully curated and moment choreographed. I had more than prepared…I over prepared. I was, again, too polished.
When I was a little boy my dad taught me to polish my shoes. When I asked him why I needed to polish my shoes, he said it was for two reasons: 1. So they look good; and 2. Polish protects the leather by serving as a buffer. While polish is great for shoes, polish can be bad for messages, because an over rehearsed talk can serve as a buffer, a barrier between the communicator and the audience, when the goal is to remove barriers and connect. I know it’s counterintuitive, but when we speak with some dirt under our nails- when we improvise and even make mistakes- we can actually leverage our imperfections to do something polish never can and that is forge deeper connections with our audience. Communication guru, Scott Berkun says, “If you’d like to be good at something, the first thing to go out the window is the notion of perfection. Every time I get up to the front of the room, I know I will make mistakes. And this is OK…Barbara Walters, Charles Darwin, Winston Churchill, and even Moses had stutters, lisps, or other speech issues, but that didn’t end their careers, because they had interesting messages to share with people. As superficial as public speaking can seem, history bears out that people with clear ideas and strong points are the ones we remember” (Confessions of a Public Speaker, pages 4-5).
After the flight with my communication guru I decided it was time to add some dirt to my talks, and boy am I glad I did, because that was a real turning point in helping me get better. I made these following changes:
I cut my manuscript almost in half. Prior to our conversation, my messages ran nine pages long, since our plane ride I have cut them down to five pages, and I did this to give me time to riff and run off the page. When my messages were nine pages my mindset was to memorize and deliver the message word for stinking word. I wasn’t free to follow the leading of the Spirit, or chase a thought. I was chained to words on a page, thinking I was the only one who really knew that. Come to find out my confinement was evident to a lot of others in the room. Cutting the message in half transitioned me from memorization to internalization and freed me to do what great jazz musicians do- improvise.
I stopped expecting things of myself my audience never expects. Perfection should never be a communicator's goal because it is just impossible. Researchers say we make a verbal mistake every ten words. Think about that- ten percent of what we will say in a message will be a mistake (in speech primarily, but seldom in content). We may stutter, forget words, switch to sounds, and so on. What we don’t realize is audiences not only notice these things, but are beyond forgiving, because they know what we are trying to say. This isn’t the case when we read something. When it’s on the page we expect perfection in grammar and words and content. But when we hear it, we overlook it.
Relax. I used to be so consumed with not making mistakes, for fear of what the audience may think. But then I learned that when it comes to mistakes, my response will be theirs. Playing with “dirt” leaves the door open for mistakes, and as communicators we can’t ever forget the audience will follow our lead in how we respond. If you spill water during your talk and act like it’s a huge deal, then your audience will follow suit. But if you are self-deprecating, laugh and make a joke of it, your audience will also tag along. Next level communicators have a way of seeing their mistakes as opportunities to connect to their audience, which is what it’s all about.
What I’m Reading:
If you read on Kindle, my book, Grace to Overcome, is on sale today for less than five bucks!
I’m well aware many of you who subscribe to this email are not preachers, and because of that I make sure to give communication principles any speaker, in any profession can apply. But because the overwhelming majority of subscribers are preachers, and so am I, a handful of times each year I want to stop and address communication issues specific to preaching. Today I want to answer a question I am often asked: Should a preacher’s study for the sermon also be considered their daily devotional reading, or would it be best to keep those two things separate?
I know of many extraordinary preachers who have an all-in-one philosophy, where what they are studying to preach is also their daily personal time with the Lord. The advantage of this is it really helps to metabolize the message, moving words from a screen into the bloodstream of the preacher’s soul, and that’s a good thing.
For me, I have to make the two separate for the following reasons:
Two different mindsets. When I’m preparing a sermon my default thinking is the audience: How will this land with them? What needs do they have? How can I say this in a way which will move them? But when I’m reading the bible for my own personal nourishment the mindset is on no one else but me. Now I know sermon preparation should hit our hearts first, and by God’s grace it does with me, but I have to really fight to get there. The way I’m wired it’s best to keep the two separate.
Two is better than one…for me. I was on a plane once when the captain told us to look out the left side of our window at the Grand Canyon. Of course the view from thirty-something-thousand feet in the air was breathtaking. And some of you have actually stood in the Grand Canyon, and that is also awe inspiring, but just in a different way. That’s how I think of my dual approach to the Scriptures. Every year I read through the bible, which is like flying over the Grand Canyon. This “aerial” perspective of the Scriptures gives me a sweeping view of the grandeur of God, and helps me to connect the dots with what He is up to in redemptive history. But my weekly study of the Word of God as I am immersed in a section of the Scriptures, knee deep in word studies, and exegesis, is like standing in a section of the Grand Canyon- equally inspiring but just from a different vantage point. I’ve been doing this dual approach for years, and it has truly enriched and deepened my walk with God.
Uncanny timing. There have been many times, as I have used this two pronged approach to engaging the Scriptures, where what I was reading in my devotions brought up wonderful biblical references and illustrations, that I just would not have “bumped” into had I not kept the two separate.
It goes without saying either approach is more than okay. I’d love to hear where you land on this question of should our personal devotions be our sermon prep. Give me a shout!
What I’m Reading:
Zeal Without Burnout, by Christopher Ash.
Be sure to check out my new book, Grace to Overcome: 31 Devotions on God’s Work through Black History.
Next level communicators understand how they live matters.
Next level communicators understand how they live matters.
The Apostle Paul gave some strong words of advice to a young man whose job entailed a lot of speaking: “Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers” (I Timothy 4:16).
Do you see the straight line Paul draws from how we live to our role as communicators? I don’t think the order is random, either. His instruction to this young budding communicator doesn’t begin with his speaking, but with his living. How we live matters.
Athletes are known to tell each other their best ability is their availability. This means taking care of their bodies- watching what they eat, working out and stretching- along with how they handle themselves in their personal lives. One bad choice and they are off the field of play for a while. In their own way they are saying to each other, “Keep a close watch on yourself.”
Paul’s wise counsel means we need to guard our personal lives. I don’t need to inundate you with examples of world class speakers who were benched all because they got sloppy with their character, and now their availability is limited while the world is deprived of their gift. They have great ability, but their availability is no more.
I am certainly not above joining my former colleagues on the sidelines. None of us are beyond the possibility of compromise and failure. But over the years I’ve tried to take Paul’s words to heart and I have found the following to be a great help in my journey to keep a close watch on myself:
Get some pall bearers. I have a close circle of friends who I call my pall bearers. These are men I leave nothing hidden with. They have permission to ask me invasive questions and nothing is off the table. Joby Martin, one of the best communicators of our generation, calls his circle of friends “mat carriers” (A reference from Mark 2). Every communicator I know who has been put on the bench because of some moral implosion lived an isolated life. What got them wasn’t the affair, abuse of power or poor money management. What got them was isolation. The number one way to guarantee a long flourishing career as a communicator is to live in thick community with others.
Take care of your emotional health. Moses is one of the most effective communicators in world history, but he was put on the bench because he disobeyed God by striking the rock when God told him to speak to the rock. What triggered his anger were complaining people. I actually think this is an emotional health episode, and it’s completely understandable. Nothing deflates a leader more than people who nit pick at everything. You’ve gotten your share of critical emails, and you will continue to, so you better take care of your emotional health. One of the best ways to do that is find what brings you joy and put it on repeat. For some it’s sitting in a deer stand for hours as they wait for that buck. For others it's gardening. For me it’s golf. Get a hobby and don’t apologize for it.
Be mindful of screens. Relax, this is not going to be some rant on the “evils” of television or social media. But…I do want you to remember there are many steps between sitting at home with your spouse and in the bed of another person, and if we are not careful, screens can become a gateway drug that begins the process. When I’m on the road speaking, unless it’s some sport event, I keep the television in my hotel room off, and a great book open.
Go to war with boredom. King David was another world class communicator who had a well documented moral failure. What got him wasn’t the woman he saw bathing, but boredom. Second Samuel 11:1 says, “In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle…David remained at Jerusalem”. And a few verses later David abuses his power by taking another man’s wife. What started it all was boredom. I do quite a bit of travel, and one of my rules is when I am on the road I don’t have much downtime. If I have margin, I’m answering emails, making phone calls, or having a meal with a friend or colleague in that city. And I for sure never, ever, sit at bars- even if I’m just eating a sandwich and drinking a Ginger Ale, watching a game. I’m not saying no one should, I just don’t. Go to war with boredom. Have a plan and fill your time well.
What I’m reading:
Only God Can Judge Me: The many lives of Tupac Shakur, Jeff Pearlman.
The 1 thing that will fast track you to becoming a next level communicator
Without a doubt, the one thing which fast tracked me to becoming a better communicator more than anything else, was the three years I spent as an apprentice under a world class communicator. I lived in his house, hopped on planes with him, carried his bags and peppered him with questions about why he framed the message a certain way, or used a specific approach. I didn’t care I was making less than twenty-thousand dollars a year, barely eking out an existence in one of the most expensive places to live. Just the opposite- every time I got paid, it felt as if I robbed a bank. Those three years, more than any class I took, or books I read, catapulted me to the next level as a speaker.
Want to grow as a communicator? Yeh, you need the right mentor, but you also need to be the right mentee, and that’s what I want to talk to you about in this post. The right mentor, combined with the right approach as an apprentice will guarantee explosive, transformational growth in your speaking. So what do I mean by having the right approach as an apprentice?
When my son came to me and said he wanted to be a preacher, I did two things. First, I got on the phone with some of the best communicators in America, and asked them to spend time with him. At the same time I gave my boy a handful of principles in how to engage these mentors, which would maximize his growth. I thought I’d share them with you:
Lead up. I got a call yesterday from a world class communicator who said my son came to his church over the weekend. After one of the services they got fifteen minutes together where my boy asked five questions. “He used his fifteen minutes well,” this speaker told me. I couldn’t help but smile, because this is exactly how I coached him: When you are fortunate to get time with an older, seasoned leader, you lead by asking well thought out questions. The worst thing, and I mean the worst, is to have a young person ask for my time and not come prepared with clear and precise questions. If you ask me for a meeting, you set the agenda. Lead up.
Be clear and confident. I tell my son when he asks for time with a leader never to say, “Hey, I’d love to get some time with you.” That’s too general and uninspiring. If you are fortunate to get them on the phone, or meet them face to face, you have about thirty seconds to move up the list of priorities, so be clear and confident. Instead of something general like wanting to get some time, say, “I admire the way you communicate, and I want to grow as a communicator. I’d love to ask you three to five questions about public speaking, can I buy you a cup of coffee?” Want to know what I’m thinking as a leader? First, this won’t take up too much of my time because they only have three to five questions. Secondly, this person is intentional and clear on what they want to ask. Finally, they have initiative, even volunteering to pay for my cup of coffee which won’t take long. That’s going to be hard for me as a leader to turn down.
Show up early. My kids will tell you I taught them an “annoying” proverb when they were coming up: To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late and to be late is unacceptable. When they agree to the meeting, beat the older leader to the venue.
Take notes. So we finally sit down, and I am giving you my best stuff on communication…stuff people fly me around the country and pay me to teach, and you’re not taking notes? That communicates disinterest to me. Take your phone out, tell me you’re taking notes and now the message you are sending is one of active interest and engagement.
Pick up the bill. I don’t care how broke you are, if you initiated the meeting, the least you can do is to offer to pay for the bill. I’m old school that way, and so are many leaders who are older than you. We know you’re broke, and more times than not we will wave you off and say our version of, “I got it.” But at least slide your hand in your pocket, and reach for the bill with the other and act like you want to pay; it communicates respect.
Express gratitude. After the meeting send an email or write a thank you note expressing gratitude for the investment of time and wisdom. And if you really want to go the extra mile, tell the leader one thing you are going to try to implement right away. Remember, they didn’t have to meet with you, but they did.
Be a seasoned retail salesperson. Here I’m talking about a mentoring relationship where the leader invites you to travel with them, or hang as they are speaking at some conference. Don’t hover and inundate them with questions as they are at the event. Be a seasoned retail person. When I walk into a store (remember those?) to look for an item to purchase, a salesperson will greet me and ask if I need help. Typically I say no as I’m looking. What I want from them at this point is to be within eyesight in case I need something, but not crowding my personal space ready to pounce when I show the slightest interest in an article of clothing. The speaker you are in the green room or at the event with is either distracted by the talk they are about to give, or engaged in conversation, or may just want to be alone. Be within eyesight, don’t hover.
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Next level communicators never waste their pain.
Next level communicators never waste their pain.
Mark Twain is widely regarded as one of the greatest communicators to ever live. Through both his pen and his voice, Twain connected deeply with his audiences, and he often did so through his pain. Mark Twain truly suffered. His beloved wife died, leaving him a widower, and he outlived several of his children, along with surviving unspeakable betrayal from his closest friends. After all of these events, Twain wrote a short story called, A Horses’ Tale. One lady who read it, wrote Twain a letter in which she said, “You used to write so differently. The note of pathos, of tragedy, of helpless pain creeps in, now and more insistent. I fancy life must have taken on its more somber colors for you, and what you feel is reflected in what you write. You belong to all of us- we of America- and we all love you and are proud of you, but you make our hearts ache sometimes.” Twain wrote back to her that sometimes this is exactly what was needed- to wring people’s hearts to get them to think. Twain used all of the pain he had endured, and repurposed it for good.
At the core of communication is the ability to connect with our audience, and next level communicators often use the gift of pain to move people. They don’t waste their pain.
Comedians are masters at this. Richard Pryor kept his generation in stitches as he reached back to his childhood where he was raised in a brothel his grandmother owned, and his mother worked.
No one wrote more profoundly on the AIDS crisis than New York Times writer, Jeffrey Schmalz. His secret? Jeffrey wrote while he too suffered from AIDS.
And few could hold a crowd in their hands like the singer Billie Holiday. Her haunting voice drew from a well of trauma, as she endured childhood abuse, racism and sex trafficking.
And then there’s you and I. We’ve been through some things haven’t we? Miscarriages. Terminations. Rejection. Divorce. Infertility. Abuse. Bankruptcy. Cancer. Sickness. A kid who's off the rails, and blames us. I could go on. And while there are many unfortunate examples of people who have misused their pain to manipulate people, I want to encourage you to thoughtfully consider how you can, from time to time, use your pain to establish heart level, appropriate connections with your audience, all with the aim of inspiring them for transformation.
As we think through the delicate challenge of talking about our pain, please consider the following:
Pain is a communicator's currency, don’t spend it too fast. Sadly, I know of several communicators who just about every time they get up talk about the trauma that happened to them. And while I don’t want to make light of their pain, too much of this can be manipulation and dilute its power. Sometimes I listen to these kinds of speakers and think, “Does anything ever go right for you? Are all your days rainy?” Spend your pain wisely.
Protect others. Most of our pain involves other people. Someone has hurt or disappointed us. Or the wound was experienced by both myself and my spouse. Or maybe there’s a particular pain brought on by a child who is a part of the congregation you are speaking to. If you feel good about using the analogy, keep the focus on yourself, and how the event impacted you, and not your loved ones who are in your orbit. The reason for this is the freedom you feel to speak about this pain from the stage means you are obviously an open person. But if you mention others, they may not be as open about this pain as you are, and you’ve placed them in a tough spot.
Get pre-message feedback. Before you get up to give your talk, be sure to run the message by someone, and ask them their thoughts on the part where you are talking about who or what hurt you. The Bible says in a multitude of counselors there’s wisdom.
Be sure the pain is not fresh. As communicators we always want to be sure we’ve given enough time to heal and process from the pain before we speak about it, so we can do so from healed hearts and have as much clarity as we can. Now there is some in the moment pain which is okay to talk about- like the death of a loved one, or a health diagnosis. These kinds of pain, though they hurt, are different because they are not in the category of offense brought on by another person.
Don’t lose the big picture. This is huge. If you feel comfortable talking about your hurt, always be sure to connect it to the point in your message you are trying to make. If you don’t do this you might get a lot of sympathy, but you’ll also get a group of people who lost sight of the bigger picture, and you’ve just distracted them out of transformation, and made it all about you.
What I’m Reading:
The 1 thing next level communicators understand about their critics.
The 1 thing next level communicators understand about their critics.
Standing on a stage with a microphone, armed with information and emotion all in an attempt to persuade people is one of the most vulnerable things anyone can do. So of course we communicators can get in our feelings when the day after we speak there’s the email where the subject line says, “Yesterday’s Message,” and what follows is a lot of critique. And before we know it, we’ve hit “reply,” and begin to type out our defense, going on and on about how the person misunderstood, or why we are right and they are wrong.
Don’t do that, at least not yet. Little do they know it, your critic is actually helping you, and it has nothing to do with whether you were right or not.
In my thirty-five years of public speaking, nothing has helped me grow as a communicator more than my critics. I feel as if I am just now hitting my stride as a speaker, and I have post-sermon- Monday-morning-ornery-emails to thank. Seriously.
The classic mistake we communicators make when we get feedback we don’t like is to only hear what they disagreed about what we said, which misses the point altogether. Your critic is telling you what they like and don’t like, how they hear things and don’t hear things. And this information is priceless in our growth as speakers. Communication is anticipation. When I anticipate the biases, objections, likes and dislikes of my audience, I can now answer their questions and pushback before they even ask or pushback. And the only way I can get there is when I hear their feedback. Want to cut your future critique emails by at least half? Open up and read carefully the ones you get today.
I speak a lot about race relations, and there’s no other topic which gets people to typing their objections faster than the subject of race. Recently, I was asked to talk about racial unity at a large predominately white southern church. Towards the end of the sermon I told this story:
I’m one of two black men in my neighborhood, and on a cool morning, not long after moving in, I put on a hoodie and went on a prayer walk. Not long into my walk I noticed a white woman ahead of me, and just as I was about to pass her, without thinking of it, I removed my hoodie and went to the other side of the street so as not to frighten her. Now I did these things instinctively as a black man, without even thinking about it. In a flash, I had made assumptions about her. I assumed the sight of a large black man in “her” neighborhood would frighten her. I assumed she would think I had no business being there, and was up to some kind of mischief. The more I thought about my actions, the more unsettled I became. This was my neighborhood too, and I didn’t want to spend the next years of my life there walking on egg shells, trying to navigate what I assumed white people assumed about me. Things had to change. So, I started to show up to our monthly hangout times in the common area of our neighborhood. I actually got to know this woman who I had walked to the other side of the street so as not to scare her. She’s really cool. In fact, a few months later, while I was out for a walk, she saw me and came running down her driveway calling my name. She scared me! I stopped, and we talked.
This true story has proven to be effective, because it anticipates the audience's objections, surprises them and gives hope. And all of this was born out of years of critique where I got a Ph.D in what triggers people. I’ve learned to turn my critics into coaches and they have coached me well, helping me grow as a communicator.
Here’s a few lessons from this story that I hope will help you turn your critics into coaches:
Throw yourself under the bus. You’ve heard me say this before, and you’ll hear me say it many times again, but when we communicators posture ourselves as learners, it helps to both connect to the audience, and diffuse our critics. I hope what you got from the story is that me, the so-called “expert” on race, is trying to figure it out too. I have stereotypes I’m still trying to shake, and a lot of growth to do.
As often as you can, choose stories over statements. Remember, we can go back and forth when it comes to facts and our perceptions of them, what we can never do is argue experience. By framing race within a real story, the audience engagement is heightened, and their trigger points are lowered.
The more sensitive the subject, the more frequent the humor. After years of emails and feedback, and understanding trigger points, I’ve come to the conclusion that whenever I talk about a sensitive subject like race, humor, and a lot of it is a necessity. Every time I talk about the white woman running down her driveway screaming my name and how I, who once was worried I scared her, was now scared by her, the audience loses it, not only because it’s funny, but the story takes a turn and surprises them. If I can make my critics laugh and think deeply about their biases all at once, I’ve won them. Game over.
Let them draw their own conclusions. Sometimes as communicators we do too much hand holding with our audience. I don’t need to finger point every one in my audience. There’s no punch line to this story. I just tell it and let people figure out where they are. Are they like me, always assuming the worst in others? Or are they going to choose, like I later did, to come out of their biases and get to know people? I intentionally leave it open for them to figure out who and where they are in the story. And you should know Jesus did this so many times. Think of his story of the Prodigal son, where he talks about two brothers and their relationship with their dad. He doesn’t end by saying, “And which one are you?” He just tells the story, and creates enough tension and space for people to figure out who they are. I’m actually pretty amazed at how little hand holding Jesus did when he communicated.
Resources:
Hey, I just started listening to a podcast that’s really helping me as a communicator. It’s called, It Was Said, and it's by one of my favorite authors, Jon Meacham. Check it out.
I’m re-reading, Heaven, by Randy Alcorn.
And thanks for your support for my book, Grace to Overcome. It would be so helpful if you could leave a kind review on Amazon for me. Thanks again!