Our Gay Neighbors (Part 3)
This is a multi-part series. Read the other parts here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
(Note: This is Part 3 in our series. More posts to follow. You will feel some dissonance)
It was the most memorable lunch in all my years in the pastorate. Some months before, I felt unusually compelled to engage in a series of sermons on befriending people in the gay community. But as time seemed to have sprinted to the launch of the series I had an overwhelming sense something was missing. So two weeks before I was to give the first message, I invited all who would consider themselves same sex attracted to join me for lunch. About a dozen courageous people huddled in my office, where over sandwiches I listened to their stories. Most confessed an acute awareness of their same sex attraction from the earliest they could remember. They talked of seasons of secrecy and anger where they would barter with God to take their desires away, even if He had to give them different ones. All spoke of failure, guilt and loneliness in their journey with Jesus. I believe we ran out of tissues. And as our meal ended, I asked if they would be willing to read the manuscripts to my messages before I preached them, and offer their feedback. They enthusiastically agreed. Emboldened I asked if they would be willing to share their stories with our church on video. Most said yes. Each Sunday during the series, before I got up to preach, we heard their stories, saw their tears and felt their humanity. I believe we ran out of tissues.
Proximity breeds empathy. This was a truth I have learned over the years which has served me well not only in race relations with the ethnically other, but also in engaging the LGBTQ+ community. One can always tell when another person doesn’t have meaningful relationships with the other- they tend to shout across their tribal lines with an abrasiveness, and a cruelty while tossing out platitudes drenched in stereotypes and generalizations. It’s easy to wield truth as a sledgehammer when the intended target is inanimate. If I were to give one of my sons a hammer and tell him to pound a nail, he would do so with joy. But if I were to tell him to pound my head, he would pause altogether. When what’s on the other end is real and living to us, we become circumspect with our proverbial hammers.
When God wanted Peter to take the gospel to the home of Cornelius the Gentile, he first places him in the home of Simon the Tanner. God knew Jewish Pete would not preach the gospel with any sort of Messianic compassion and care unless he first put him in close proximity with what Peter considered to be the sinful other. Peter’s rooftop protestations around ceremonial purity were quickly dismissed by God, who in a seminal moment demanded that Peter not call anything he made unclean. And God was not just talking about what was on the menu, he was talking about people as well. Before Peter traveled to Cornelius, he had to first hang out with Simon.
We will be best served to reach the LGBTQ+ Cornelius’ of the world, when we first stop to nurture relationships with the Simon’s of their tribe. Until we sit with them over meals, hear their stories, laugh with them over coffee and enjoy their company at work and play, they will be nothing more than nails- inanimate objects for us to wield the hammer of truth.
James MacDonald and the Malady of White Evangelicalism
(Note: I have not had a conversation with James MacDonald since the well publicized incidents at his church)
Why is it that the black church takes a much more empathetic posture towards its fallen leaders than our friends in the white evangelical community? I know I’m painting in broad strokes, but this is a pretty consistent narrative. As one of my white friends who was quickly removed from his church and publicly humiliated in the process said to me, “When I was at my lowest it was only black pastors who came to my rescue.” By and large, it is the black church which is far more redemptive with its fallen leaders than the white church. And what concerns me is not whether we should deal with sin among our leaders. We should. We must. But lost among all the statements, and blog posts circulating among elder boards, and church websites are tears. There seems to be no semblance of trying to salvage things. Removal seems to be the first resort. Humiliation is ruling the day. Both the sin of our leaders and the way we are responding to their sin is soiling our white garments before the world. And while there has to be a better way in how we approach and treat our leaders who have been overcome by sin, I’m interested in this post as to why such a disparate posture between the white and black communities.
I think it has everything to do with the narrative of communal suffering along ethnic lines. The black church exists because the white church failed to be the church. So she forced us to sit in the balcony, and eventually pointed us to the exits, where we stuck our index finger in the air while being forced out. The black church was birthed out of suffering. And if you’ve ever really suffered, I mean really suffered, you understand one of its lingering lifelong side effects is empathy. This is not the narrative of white evangelicalism in America. Sure, everyone suffers, but collectively as a group white evangelicals have never suffered in our country. They weren’t forced out of churches because of the color of their skin, or had to hideout in tunnels for months or years at a time because of their faith. To be a part of a white evangelical organization or a group is to be a part of a suffer-less narrative. And show me anyone who hasn’t suffered yet, and I will show you a person or entity who is deficient in the area of empathy. The worst thing one could possibly do in life is to fail around people who have never suffered.
When I left a black church to take a job at a white church my father whispered two words over the phone which haunted me for years, “Be careful.” And while he never explained why, he didn’t have to. At twenty-five I understood what he was saying: There’s no margin for error on that side of the street, because there’s really no empathy. And there’s no empathy because there’s been no communal suffering.
The malady of white evangelicalism in America is the absence of empathy towards their hurting and leaders. This malady strips them of empathy and causes them to hurriedly label people as being disqualified from ministry. Thank goodness Peter didn’t deny Jesus in the era of white evangelical America. Can’t you see it now- his denials uploaded onto Youtube, invitations rescinded while a huge battle over his intellectual property ensues?
But it’s here where I’m thankful Jesus is not steeped in white evangelicalism. Had he been Peter would have no hope. And yet Jesus restores because Jesus, that suffering servant, had suffered. The wounds in his hands and side were still fresh. I can see the empathy in his eyes where over breakfast he asked Peter for the third time if he loved him? I can feel his heart when Jesus commanded him to feed his sheep, in spite of his sin. We need more suffering servants leading our churches, who walks, as Dan Allender says, “with a limp”.
Our Gay Neighbors (Part 2)
This is a multi-part series. Read the other parts here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
(Note: This is the second post in a series on engaging our friends in the gay community. You will feel some dissonance. More to come)
I vividly remember a wave of anxiety washing over me the first time our friends came over to our home. Having grown up in the Bible belt, where years later I migrated north to embark on a very conservative theological education where few remarks were made concerning our friends in the gay community, and if they were I could expect a reference to Sodom and Gomorrah, left me ill equipped in how to engage them winsomely. I began to suffocate under a pervasive sense, “What am I supposed to do?”.
When my theology texts failed me, there was always the Bible. John notes that when he saw Jesus he saw a man full of grace and truth (John 1:14). This would be the paradigm for engagement I would need to lean into if I sought to love my friends in a way which honored Jesus.
I have a friend of mine named Caleb, who when he was young his parents had an epiphany in which they came to accept they were both gay. So they promptly divorce, entered into same sex relationships and took Caleb to pride day celebrations where one of his earliest memories were Christians shouting Bible verses and hurling jars of urine on the marchers. Truth without love ain’t love, it’s assault.
Years later, Caleb too would turn to John 1:14 and would use these cohabitating virtues of Jesus to plot a path forward into winsome engagement with our friends in the gay community. Truth, as we all know, without grace is condemnation; while grace without truth is compromise. Taking a rubber band, Caleb shows how we followers of Jesus must hold these two in tension. If, for example, we were to only hold the rubber band by one end its power is lost…it’s limp and lifeless. But the real power of the rubber band is when we hold it by either end in tension at the same time. So it is with grace and truth. Grace by itself is limp. In fact, there can be no such thing as grace without truth. If grace means to give someone something they don’t deserve, then the assumption is they’ve violated a truth-filled standard. But if we dangle truth by itself without grace we get an army of Christians who hurl Romans 1 grenades at our friends in the gay community, and let’s just say that’s not a recipe for revival. We need both. At the same time. In tension.
But there’s more. When John remarks of Jesus that he saw a man full of grace and truth, the order is telling. I don’t think people will really hear truth from us until they first feel grace. Our friends in the gay community are not theological projects, or position papers to be written. They are people with a lived humanity, often filled with extensive chapters of loneliness and hurt in the narrative that is their lives, like most of us. I’ve yet to hear a conversion story from a person in the gay community where someone shouted a Leviticus passage, and they stopped and came to Jesus. As Rosaria Butterfield remarks of her own conversion to Jesus, the way to the hearts of our gay friends is through the portal of hospitality. And it is in the sharing of laughs and bread and drink where the possibilities of Jesus and grace and truth are opened.
Our Gay Neighbors (Part 1)
This is a multi-part series. Read the other parts here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
(Note: This is the first of a several part series on loving our friends in the gay community, so you should feel some dissonance until the end of the last post.)
Standing in line at the movie theaters the other night Korie and I heard our names called. We looked around and our eyes landed on some great friends who happened to be there to see the same movie as us (The film Harriet, which by the way I think you should see). We hugged each other, and recommended the jalapeno bacon cheddar popcorn. Moments later we were off together to take in both the movie and a ton of calories.
Did I mention our friends are a sweet lesbian couple who have been married around five years?
Since moving to the bay area I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to love people. I mean if Jesus says that we will be known not by our position papers, theological defenses or arguments on social media, but by our love (John 13:35); and if Paul says love is the MVP of all virtues (I Corinthians 13:13), even making it the leadoff batter to the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22), then I better get a handle on what it means to love.
Christ followers are never exhorted to change people. Shoot, I can’t even change myself. If I had the capacity to change then why do I need a Savior and the Holy Spirit? Change is God’s business, not mine. In fact, I think the primary tool God uses to work transformation in the lives of people is love. But what does it look like to love others?
Not long after settling into the bay, I read the story of Hosea. In what has to be the most poignant picture God uses to illustrate his love for his wayward children, God calls the prophet to marry the prostitute; the man of God to wed the woman of the night. Talk about a strange sight. Can’t you see the look of surprise on people’s faces when this odd couple walked down the street or into the synagogue? But I think that’s the point: God is wanting to communicate a fundamental tenet to love- it’s strange. In fact, the stranger the contrast, the brighter the brilliance of love radiates. After all, if we think it strange a preacher would be with an adulteress, God holds the trump card. The fact that he a holy God would stoop so low as to be with us is even stranger.
Our lesbian friends have been to the church where I serve as pastor. They hold hands and sit together next to Korie and I on the front row. Strange. We’ve also gone to parties at their home where it appears our family is the only heterosexual people in the place. And God bless one of my sons who cannot whisper to save his life, because at one of these parties he says to us in his outdoor voice, “Are you uncomfortable?” I quickly shush him, and hours later realize that he too is feeling the strange.
Love is a journey into the strange, a journey lead by Jesus. He sat with a woman who no one wanted to talk to at a well one day. Jesus ate with tax collectors while religious leaders shook their heads and sucked their teeth over the strangeness. And to the shock and awe of many, Jesus allowed his feet to be wept over and anointed by a prostitute. Strange.
How strange are your relationships? How strange is your dinner table? If it’s never strange it may not be love.
Let's Stay Together
“Let’s Stay Together”
Matthew 5:31-32; 19:1-12
You’ve heard me talk over the years of my courtship with Korie. In January of 1998 we first met, and after a horrible first date, she got her act together, and relatively quickly I knew that this was the woman God wanted me to marry. A few months later we started talking marriage, and in December of 1998 I remember buying her engagement ring from a store in Los Angeles’ downtown diamond district. With the diamond burning a hole in my pocket I picked up the phone and called my father all excited to tell him that I had just made this purchase and was going to ask Korie to marry me. I’ll never forget his response: “Now son, you do know this is for life.” Are you kidding me? Like, no excitement. Like, no rejoicing with me right away. You’re not going to ask me what size or color it is, or how I’m going to propose? Seriously? Talk about a record scratching, party pooper moment.
It was right then and there that I felt all of the weight of what we were about to venture into come down on me. I wasn’t writing a letter to Korie asking her to be my girlfriend with those three boxes- yes, no or maybe. I wasn’t presenting the key to my apartment to Korie and asking her to move in with me. I was asking her to step into a covenant, a life long covenant, to be made in the presence of God and witnesses til death do we part.
Creating the Need
There’s a weight, a seriousness to marriage. Chances are you felt this as we read these passages. Yes marriage is fun, and no it shouldn’t be this obligatory thing. There should be joy and friendship to marriage. But marriage is also serious business with its moments of challenge and testing. And what is going to see us through those stormy seasons are not feelings but commitment.
But why is this? Why did God design marriage to be a covenant and not a contract? Marriage is gifted to us by God to model to the world God’s profound covenantal commitment to we his people. In other words your marriage is not about your marriage, but it is about showing the world the love of God. If you want an example of this read the book of Hosea. In Hosea God is going crazy because his bride Israel keeps cheating on them by worshipping other gods. And even though they are giving God reason for divorce, God in his holiness, grace and mercy refuses to divorce them. So to communicate his profound love for them he tells his prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute. And when after they marry she cheats on him, God tells Hosea to go again and get her, because that’s exactly what God does to us when we sin.
Marriage is God’s megaphone to the world announcing his unfailing love to his people. This is why Jesus has some really hard and heavy things to say about the subject of marriage and divorce. Some of you are particularly uncomfortable with Jesus’ teaching on divorce. You’ve gone down the road of divorce, and you feel particularly ashamed. Maybe it was your fault- you were the one who cheated and betrayed. Or maybe it wasn’t your fault. I want you to hear me this morning, God’s grace is sufficient for you. God’s grace is available to you. The Bible says if anyone is in Christ there is no condemnation. Still others of you are on the brink of divorce. Maybe you are the spouse who’s been cheated on or wronged. I want to give you something to consider. The gospel says we cheated on and wronged God, and yet God in his grace forgave us. If your spouse is repentant and is open to working on the marriage, would you be open to the possibility of forgiveness which could announce to the world the beauty of the gospel to heal? A restored marriage is a stunning picture of the gospel.
So here’s my hope this morning: I want to draw you into what Jesus says about marriage and divorce. If you’re single this is a perfect time for you to hear this teaching because I hope you leave with a sobering yet hopeful view of marriage. If you are married my hope for us is that we would leave with an entrenched resolve to honor our covenant, and to be people who display the beauties of the gospel.
Historical Context
As we come to our passage this morning Jesus is approached by the Pharisees, the religious leaders of his day, and he’s asked what appears to be a simple question, and that is, is it okay to divorce one’s wife for any cause. Now what we need to understand this morning is that the Pharisees ask this question because they wanted to pull Jesus into a debate about marriage that was raging in their day between two respected Jewish schools of thought- Shammai and Hillel.
The Shammai position on divorce and remarriage was very narrow. They taught that there was only one reason to divorce and that was for unfaithfulness, and specifically sexual unfaithfulness. The school of Hillel on the other hand, had a lot more of a liberal view of what constituted divorce. They said that a man could divorce his wife for any cause. For example, and I’m so not making this up, if a man’s wife burned his bread he could divorce her. If she talked disrespectfully to him, or about his parents he could divorce her. If his neighbors in the house next door could hear her talking he could divorce her. If she was seen out with her hair down, or talking to another man he could divorce her. And most devastating of all, if the husband found another woman that he liked better he was free to divorce his wife.
Sadly, in Jesus’ day, it was the school of Hillel that was driving the culture, creating an environment where men were divorcing their wives for any and all reasons, and the results were devastating. See, when a woman was divorced, typically no man would marry her, and now she has no financial security. Her only option of supporting herself was to become a prostitute. Divorce, was devastating.
Post It Note/Envelope Illustration
Likewise, you and I live in a culture of divorce, where people divorce their spouses for any and all reasons. But what people do not realize is the absolutely, and many times comprehensively, devastating effects that divorce has. It’s sort of like this post it note and envelope…see it as a post it note where I can just take it off and move on…but the bible speaks of marriage not as a post it note but as an envelope that is sealed…for me to get out of this is to tear it up, IT IS TO DEVASTATE THE ENVELOPE.
This is divorce- it is devastating. It’s devastating financially- number one cause of personal bankruptcies. It’s devastating on the children. I was talking some years ago to a child of divorce who was now in his forties, and he said that divorce is like going to a funeral that never ends. Divorce is devastating.
ONE FLESH
Now I love how Jesus answers their question of whether or not it is okay to divorce one’s wife for any cause. Notice, that he does not spend the bulk of his time giving well reasoned arguments for what constitutes divorce, and what does not, instead he pulls them away from the law, and back to Genesis chapter two when God creates marriage. In other words, Jesus in his answer is saying to them, you guys are asking the wrong question. You’re asking what’s allowable, or what’s permissible, when instead you should focus on what’s ideal. And what is God’s ideal for marriage? Look at verses 5-6. Here he states the ideal and repeats it: GOD’S IDEAL FOR MARRIAGE IS ONE FLESH. THAT TWO SHALL NOW BECOME ONE!
But what is this notion of one flesh? What does this mean? The idea of one flesh is not just the idea of a sharing of bodies in the physical act of sex, oh no! One flesh is not just a harmony of bodies, but it is an all encompassing intimacy that is shared between two people on every dimension. One flesh is not just a sharing of bills, or of space, but it is the intertwining of lives to the point where two distinct people now become one!
Friendship
Tim Keller in his book, The Meaning of Marriage, spends significant time talking about the issue of one flesh, which is God’s purpose for marriage, and what Tim Keller says is in view by the term “one flesh” is that of friendship, friendship. That my wife at the end of the day is not ultimately my business partner, maid, nanny or driver, but that she is my friend.
In David McCullough’s award winning book, John Adams, he explores the relationship between our second president and his wife Abigail, and one of the things that immediately jumps out at you is the fact that these two were one, that in the deepest most all encompassing way, these two were friends. I mean over the span of their marriage they wrote over one thousand letters to each other. In one letter Abigail wrote to her husband John, “My dearest friend, How much is comprised in that short sentence? How fondly can I call you mine, bound by every tie which consecrates the most inviolable friendship? Is it not natural to suppose that as our dependence is greater, our attachment is stronger? I find in my own breast a sympathetic power always operating upon the near approach of letters from my dearest friend.”
Can you say this about your spouse? Is your spouse your dearest friend? Well, how do I know this? Let me give you two practical ways that both reflect whether or not you’re friends, and how to strengthen your friendship: 1. Do you speak your spouses love language often and well? The Five Love Languages: Physical Touch. Acts of Service. Gifts. Words of Affirmation. Quality Time. 2. Do you hang out at levels 4-5 of the communication pyramid? (GET THE COMMUNICATION PYRAMID FROM DANIELLE).
VALUE/WORTH
What happens when my spouse becomes my deepest friend and we are experiencing oneness? Well quite naturally I am saying to my spouse that I value you, you mean something to me. Walking in one flesh bestows value and oneness on your spouse. This is important because when we come to our text you need to understand that in Jewish culture it was only the men who could divorce their wives. A woman could never divorce her husband without the husband giving permission. So what the Jews were essentially saying was that women had no value, that they had no status.
Now I bring up the issue of status, because for those of us who were here back when we began Matthew 18 we said that this whole section has to do with the issue of status, because the disciples ask the question who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? Jesus answers by saying worldly status has no place in the kingdom, that we are all equal. Paul would continue this theme in Galatians 3:28, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus”. Here Paul is reiterating what Jesus has been arguing in Matthew 18, that in the kingdom of heaven no one is intrinsically better or worse, we are all one in Christ. This is an astounding statement for Jesus and Paul to make in a sexist culture where women were seen as mere possessions. Both Jesus and Paul throw a flag and say not so in the kingdom of heaven- men and women are both equally esteemed by our God!
Because men and women are honored and esteemed equally by God, this is to be mirrored in the covenant of marriage. That when I walk in one flesh with my spouse, in true friendship at the deepest levels, what I am communicating is that you mean something to me. I value you! You’re honored!
Cups/Glass Visual
You know in I Peter 3 we as husbands are told to honor our wives because they are the weaker vessel. Sadly, this passage has been preached by idiots to promote sexism- it’s their way of going, see, see, women are inferior, but this is not what the text means. I have two vessels in my house- cups and glasses…explain. Men, do you honor your wives, treating her as equal?
WITNESS TO THE WORLD
What does one flesh mean? It means an intertwining of lives at the deepest levels, it is the idea of friendship. What happens when we walk in friendship, one flesh, with our spouses? Two things- one we bestow worth on our spouse, but secondly and finally, it is a strong witness to the world!
The Hebrew word for marriage is kiddushin which simply means consecration. To consecrate something means to set it aside, or to set it a part. When things were consecrated to God, for example, it was God’s way of saying this is different, this is unique, this is special, this is mine. Likewise, when the Jews spoke the very word marriage, it was a reminder that their relationship was both set a part to God and was to therefore be special, unique and different, but in the very act of it being set a part to God it was a witness to the world. That the world was to look at their marriage and say, Wow, I’ve never seen that before, it’s different!
Author Henri Nouwen tells of the time in which he was struggling with his faith and went to the Hermitage museum to view some works by Rembrandt. When he came to Rembrandts classic painting, The Return of the Prodigal Son, Nouwen’s breath was taken away, so much so that he sat and stared at the painting for the next several hours, he had quite frankly never seen anything like this- it was special and unique. Finally, the museum closed and Nouwen had to leave, but he left a changed man and inspired. He would soon after write a book based on Rembrandt’s painting baring the same title, The Return of the Prodigal Son. This book would go onto sell millions, changing lives in the process. All because he sat and caught a glimpse of a painting in a museum.
Likewise God has chosen to hang our marriages in the museum of this world! The name of our marriage portrait is One Flesh. In a world where people view marriage as a business merger, or sexual encounter, God wants to put your marriage on display in such a way where people sit down and go I’ve never seen anything like that before. He wants little boys and girls to see your marriage and get inspired. He wants singles who’ve come from a legacy of fatherlessness and divorced to see your marriage and get inspired. He wants those who’ve been wounded by the opposite sex to see your marriage and get inspired.
PRAYER FOR MARRIAGES
Brother Kanye
Okay, I’ll confess- like so many, I’ve gotten caught up in the Kanye West conversion story. I’ve watched the two hour interview, caught him on Jimmy Kimmel and downloaded his new joint, Jesus is King, listening to it non stop for the last few days. I even felt grieved when I heard the track, Hands On, “What have you been hearing from the Christians/They’ll be the first one to judge me/Make me feel like nobody love me”. I fear Kanye may have a point. I’ve caught a whiff of this myself as I’ve seen a host of “let’s just wait and see,” messages from the Christian community regarding West.
So what are we to make of his conversion? While none of us are in any position to say who is really saved or not, there are three things every Christ follower needs to be mindful of when thinking about conversion:
1. Every conversion is a miracle. Behind many of the responses to Kanye’s conversion lies a subtle to not so subtle question of, “Can this really be?” Even if you aren’t a Kanye fan, chances are you’ve been startled by some of his back in the day antics. In a genre known for its explicit braggadocio, Kanye stood out. His award show rants where he would interrupt someone else’s acceptance speech, miffed at why he didn’t win, to his borderline blasphemy in taking on the name Yesus, West was a paragon for sin and lawlesslness. And now he is taking every opportunity to proclaim Jesus Christ is Lord. But this is what conversions are supposed to do. Like any miracle, conversions shock us. In fact, for those of you who have gotten saved later on in life, if your conversion isn’t shocking then maybe it wasn’t a legitimate conversion.
2. Sanctification is a process. If indeed Kanye is a Christian, then he has been justified by faith (Romans 5:1). Justification is a one time act whereby God declares us righteous. God can do this because he has taken out his “cash app,” and with one push of the button, transferred the righteousness of Jesus Christ to our morally depleted accounts. So he calls us righteous not because of our goodness (we have none), but because of Christ. But while justification is a one time event, sanctification is a process where God is making us to be what he has already declared us to be. In this journey of sanctification we will have to make war with our flesh (Galatians 5:16-26). There will be some defeats, and many victories, thanks to the power of the Holy Spirit at work within us. While just about all of us have the luxury of “working out our salvation” (Philippians 2:12) in relative anonymity, Kanye will do so in front of the world. So of course he’s going to make some very publicized mistakes. When this happens let’s encourage our brother and not line up to stone him.
3. Take your own medicine. The whole “let’s just wait and see,” posture many Christ followers are using when it comes to Kanye, should likewise be used on ourselves. Salvation really is a mystery. Paul tells us to examine ourselves (I Corinthians 11:28), and Jesus says we will be recognized by our fruit (Matthew 7:16). C.S. Lewis once quipped that when we get to heaven we will be both surprised at who is there that we knew for sure would not be there; and who is not there we knew for sure would be there. Salvation is a mystery. So let’s not do to brother Kanye what we are not willing to do to ourselves.
Three Ways People “Deal” With Conflict
While Jesus is on record for saying, “Blessed are the peacemakers,” he never said, “Blessed are the conflict-avoiders”. In fact, it really is counterintuitive, but peacemaking assumes conflict. And when it comes to conflict there tends to be three kinds of people: Turtles, Sharks and Doctors.
Turtles:
You know how turtles handle conflict. When they see something they don’t like, or appears threatening, they withdraw into themselves. Avoidance is the defense mechanism of turtles when it comes to conflict. Know anyone like this? A turtle says, “I know I need to say something, but if I do it’s going to cause a fight, so let me not even say anything, let me just keep the peace.” Maybe that friend, spouse or relationship needs to be confronted, but you know they tend to be really touchy or sensitive, and if you say something all hell will break loose, so you avoid the issue in an effort to keep the peace. Turtles aren’t peacemakers, because in their refusal to deal with the issue they actually disturb the peace instead of making peace.
Sharks:
On the other extreme are sharks. When it comes to conflict, sharks smell blood- they see an issue and want to fly to it. When your spouse seems quiet, or that friend seems down, the shark is like, “What’s wrong? What’s wrong? What’s wrong? We need to talk about this now!” Did you know that sharks cannot move backwards? And when it comes to conflict, proverbial sharks have a hard time backing off of things. Everything tends to be an issue, and needs to be addressed right now. Instead of peacemaking, sharks tend to kill relationships by their insensitivity and over aggressiveness.
Doctors:
When it comes to conflict we all need to be doctors. When a person is feeling a conflict in their body, they go to a doctor. The doctor will spend a lot of time asking questions and listening. The doctor will also run tests. Now all of this question asking, listening and testing is the doctor trying to discern if the issue needs to be addressed, how it needs to be addressed and when it needs to be addressed? Sometimes the doctor will surprise the patient by telling them no action needs to be taken. Things just need to run their course. Other times the doctor will say the issue needs to be dealt with but in a non-invasive way with medication prescribed. But then there are times when surgery needs to be scheduled where momentary pain will be inflicted to bring about long term healing. The doctor does all this to bring peace to the body.
Jesus- the one who told us to be peacemakers- is called the Prince of Peace. You and I were at odds with God, causing a conflict. I’m grateful God isn’t a turtle or our sins would not have been dealt with. And had God been a shark we would have been consumed. Instead, God sent Jesus, also known as the Great Physician, who on the cross mediated the conflict and brought reconciliation, making peace.
Sunday Sermon: Makes Me Wanna Holler
Makes Me Wanna Holler
Matthew 5:21-26
In the early morning hours of April 15th, 1912, the ship of which it was said not even God could sink, sank. The culprit that lead to the demise of the Titanic was an iceberg. It is said that when it floats we can only see about 9% of an iceberg; the other 91% is hidden well beneath the surface. In other words, for ships like the Titanic, the real danger when it comes to an iceberg, is not what you see above the surface, it’s what lies beneath.
As we come to our text this morning this is how Jesus juxtapositions murder and anger. While physical murder is the tip of the iceberg, what lies beneath the surface fueling the act is anger. Notice that Jesus does not concentrate his efforts on the tip of the iceberg, but instead diverts our attention to what lies beneath the surface, and that is anger. In other words, Jesus is not just concerned with the physical, seen behavior. Rather, Jesus hones in on the heart and what fuels the behavior. One scholar poignantly articulates this truth when he claims, “To ‘fulfill all righteousness’ and to have a ‘righteousness that surpasses the scribes and Pharisees,’ disciples must face the issue of the inner person. Not committing the physical act of murder is good and right, of course, but it is not the true litmus test of piety and alignment with God’s nature, will, and coming kingdom; examining one’s attitudes and speech are just as important as refraining from homicidal violence”- Joseph Pennington.
Creating the Need
And it’s here where we are all found guilty. While most of us in this room have not committed the physical act of murder, who here is blameless when it comes to unrighteous anger? Many of us know the shame that comes moments after we have had an outburst where we have raised our voice, shouted and even cursed someone. What parent is there who hasn’t played back the tapes of a recent episode with your child in which you’ve wondered did I go too far with my anger? How many of us wish we could retrieve that anger laced text message or email filled with capital letters and cruel emojis, moments after we sent it? When it comes to unrighteous anger we are all guilty, yes, even Christians!
I was reminded of this a few weeks ago as I was driving to preach at a church in Florida. I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t paying attention, but whatever I did I ticked the driver off who zoomed in front of me and gave me the middle finger. I was ticked, but praise God, I didn’t respond. But wouldn’t you know it, a few moments later I found myself making a right turn behind this driver onto the church parking lot. And to be snarky, I parked close to him in the church parking lot! I said, “How are you doing, brother”? He didn’t acknowledge me. And boy, I wish I could’ve seen his face when I got up to preach! Christians struggle with unrighteous anger too! We know this not only from experience, but notice in our text on unrighteous anger, Jesus keeps using the term brother- a reference to the people of God.
ANGER DEFINED
But before we can dive head first into this teaching of Jesus, we need to ask the question, “Is all anger wrong?” And I would quickly say no. Part of the reason we know this is what Paul says to the Ephesians, “Be angry and do not sin”- Ephesians 4:26. Okay, there it is- Paul is showing us that it is possible to have what we would call a righteous anger, which is a kind of anger that does not sin. We see this after all modeled to us by God and Jesus. Read the Scriptures and we see God getting angry. When leaders rebel against Moses, God’s anger is triggered. When Moses’ brother and sister go in on him for being married to a black woman God’s anger is aroused. When his people sin, God is not indifferent, he’s angry, this is why Paul says that prior to coming to Jesus we were objects of God’s wrath. Not only that, but we see Jesus getting angry as he cleanses the temple. Now both God and Jesus are holy, which means perfectly pure. And if they are holy and angry at the same time, then we know that anger is not a sin.
This now leads to the question, though, what exactly is anger? Gary Chapman proves helpful when he defines it this way, “Anger, then, is the emotion that arises whenever we encounter what we perceive to be wrong. The emotional, physiological, and cognitive dimensions of anger leap to the front burner of our experience when we encounter injustice”- Gary Chapman, Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion. In other words, anger is a gift, modeled and designed by God to motivate you and I to take positive action when we encounter injustice. Can you imagine if there wasn’t anger at all? Slavery would still exist. All forms of oppression would run rampant. Injustice would be the norm. We need anger to combat injustice. You should get angry over the Harvey Weinstein’s of the world and all the sexism. You should be angry over racism. Seeing the poor priced out of their homes should make us angry. Oppression should make us angry. And when we get angry over injustice we actually look like God. And yet to be indifferent over injustice is not to be godly, but to be godless.
And yet the key word in Dr. Chapman’s definition of anger is perceived. There are a lot of times when what we perceive to be an injustice is wrong, and our misperception leads to unrighteous anger. When our son Myles was a little boy he loved Lucky Charms. He had to be about six years old when one morning he came downstairs to eat another bowl of Lucky Charms, when to his shock it was all gone. He inquired as to who ate the rest of the Lucky Charms, and discovered his little brother Jaden did. Now it’s at this point where Myles is perceiving an injustice on par with Bernie Madeoff. So he says quite calmly, “When I get home Jaden, I’m punching you in your face.” And sure enough when he came home that’s exactly what he did. And his unrighteous anger triggered my righteous anger, and there were some consequences.
But Lucky Charms aside, I think all of us can relate. We all have gotten angry over stuff we shouldn’t get angry over. We lose it because our spouse is, yet again, late for an event we didn’t want to go to in the first place. We get furious when our roommate drinks the last of the orange juice that we paid for. And we sulk and brood and stew in anger over not just criticism, but constructive and true criticism. Yeh, we all have our own Lucky Charms.
ERUPTERS- Matthew 5:21-22
Our text is all about unrighteous anger, and if I could sum up Jesus’ teaching in a sentence I would say that Jesus is clear: Unrighteous anger is relational murder. Now, I want you to see that Jesus never tells us what triggered the expressions of unrighteous anger. The person may have called them a racially insensitive term, or talked about their mother, or gave them the finger on the highway, or slammed into their car. But it’s almost like Jesus is saying none of that really matters. I’m more concerned with how you respond to the real or perceived injustice.
Not only that, but please notice carefully that Jesus deals with two major categories or expressions of unrighteous anger: Erupters and Stuffers (I know I’ve made up a word). That’s right, when it comes to unrighteous anger there’s two kinds of people in this room right now- erupters and stuffers. Jesus first deals with the erupters in verses 21-22 of our text. Notice in this first episode that Jesus connects anger to speech. A person gets filled with anger and expresses it in sinful way through their words. They insult. They say you fool. These words- insult and fool- mean to tear down with contempt. The erupter gets angry and gets this look and says things like, “You’re so dumb. How could you! Are you for real right now, we’ve talked about this forever and you still don’t get it. You’re just like your father! You’ll never amount to anything”. And what’s the result of all this erupting? Well, the person on the receiving in has their confidence and esteem and character murdered. Yep, unrighteous anger is relational murder.
Some years ago a film came out based on a true story called, Antwone Fisher. Antwone grew up in the foster care system of Cleveland, Ohio. His foster mother was an erupter. She beat him mercilessly, called him names not appropriate for me to repeat. She demeaned him telling him he’d be nothing, and completely tore him down. And what do we see of him years later? He’s a picture of zero confidence. He doesn’t know how to relate to women. He’s sheepish in general around people and is just beat down. What’s more is that he’s an erupter himself, always getting into fights. It really is true what they say: Anger begets anger.
And that’s some of you. You beat people down with your words. With your tongue you dismantle their confidence and pillage them of all semblance of esteem. There’s a price that person you cursed out will have to pay. The child you shook and screamed at will spend years of their life trying to get their emotional bearings back. The old girlfriend or ex wife you just tore down, will probably spend forever trying to get built back up. Erupters kill. They kill confidence, esteem, character and relationships. They kill God’s children.
STUFFERS- Matthew 5:23-24
I love how Jesus approaches anger. In the opening verses he deals with the person who has been offended, whose been triggered and their volcanic response. Now Jesus slides to the other side of the table to the person whose done the offending. Again, we don’t know what the issue is, but the picture is poignant. Here’s a man who we might say has gotten up early on a Sunday morning. He had his cup of coffee, read his bible and said his prayers and is now at church. He’s lifted his hands in praise and sung about how much he loves God. Now it’s the meet and greet time where he takes out his check and is walking to the giving box. And won’t you know it that on his way he remembers someone whose not speaking to him; someone whom he’s offended. Now, I know I’ve taken some poetic license but this is only a modern retelling of Jesus’ words in our text. But what’s clear is the fact that the offender remembers someone is angry with him tells us that the person who is angry in all likelihood never expressed it to this person. They just stuffed their anger. They withdrew. We can label this person “Brother Stuffer”. And that’s some of you. You get triggered and offended and you just stuff and stuff. You act like everything is okay, but it’s not. You emotionally withdraw. Just like the erupter you murder relationships, but not in a loud volcanic way. No, you’re too cool for that. You’re more of a silent assassin.
I have an acquaintance of mine who grew up in a home filled with erupters. Conflict was all over the place. His parents screamed, shouted, cussed and fussed. At times they even fought physically. At some point as a little boy he said all conflict is wrong, so I’ll never express anything that might trigger it. He became a stuffer. When it comes to his feelings and anger, he’s emotionally constipated. I’ve watched him go through two divorces, in part, because he never really expressed all of who he was. When it came to his emotions and anger it was as if there was this maze of police yellow caution tape. You could never really get too close to him. He’s emotionally walled off. That’s how stuffers roll.
And that’s some of you right now. You could be ticked off but all you say is, I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. You stuff. But like constipation, it will come out at some point. Stuffers don’t love anyone but themselves. How could they really love? They’re too busy protecting themselves. Stuffers are silent killers. C.S. Lewis says, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable”- C.S. Lewis.
RECONCILERS- Matthew 5:25-26
Okay, so what’s the path forward? We know erupters are wrong, and so are stuffers. But we also know that anger is not wrong, it’s how we handle it. So how should we handle anger? Jesus gives us a third way, the way of the reconciler.
Our text ends on a very curious note- two people, the offender and the offended, going to court. I remember reading this and being like, Huh? How did we get from church to going to court? What’s up with this, Jesus? Well, the court and judge is an end times picture for you and I of what is going to happen to all of us. We are all going to stand before God and have to give an account. And because we don’t know exactly when that will be, Jesus is urging us to come to terms quickly with those we are at odds with. He wants us to keep short accounts relationally. And instead of erupting or stuffing, Jesus wants us to be reconcilers. See, here’s how you know the difference between unrighteous and righteous anger: Unrighteous anger pushes us away. Righteous anger draws us close in reconciliation.
My father is the best I’ve seen at stewarding anger. When we were kids and we would do something that would tick him off, the first thing dad would often do would be to grab his cap, and go outside on a prayer walk. And the longer the walk the more in trouble we knew we were because dad was working through a lot of anger. By the time he would come back into the house, he’d have us go into the bedroom. He’d pull out his bible and read a whole chapter of proverbs to us that dealt with our foolish behavior, and sometimes at the end of that he’d let us slide. Other times there would be discipline, but he was never out of control, and he always worked hard to communicate he loved us. Instead of his anger pushing us away, and drew us close in reconciliation.
GOSPEL CONCLUSION
Well, the bible has news for us, prior to coming to Christ God was angry with us. Ephesians 2 says we were objects of his wrath. And I praise God that God was not an erupter! Had he been an erupter we would have been consumed. But I also praise God that God is not a suffer, for had he not dealt with the issue of our sin we would have been headed to hell. Instead, God in Christ became our reconciler. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation”- 2 Corinthians 5:17-19.
Call for Salvation/Reconcile Relationships
5 Recent Things I’ve Seen in Multiethnic Churches
In recent years I’ve been deeply encouraged by what I’m seeing when it comes to the multiethnic church. When I first became a pastor in the early 2000s, I had very little models to look to. Now gospel saturated, Christ-exalting churches are popping up everywhere, and I have had the honor of helping to strengthen several of them.
Just the other day I spent time with my friend Jeremy Treat and the people of the church he serves, Reality LA. Encouraged does not even begin to describe how I felt on the plane ride home. In fact, as I reflect on our day together, along with other recent experiences I’ve had with flourishing multiethnic churches, I see five commonalities that contribute to their success:
Intentionality. Pastors like Jeremy Treat have a vision for being a multiethnic church and are fiercely intentional when it comes to their worship experience, leadership and preaching. These multiethnic churches are not by accident or some organic process.
Courage. The difference between those who desire a multiethnic church and those who are experiencing a multiethnic church typically comes down to courage. As God communicated to Joshua, it’s one thing to see the Promised Land, but to actually move in will necessitate leaders to “be strong and very courageous”. Leaders of diverse churches are willing to do the hard thing, the courageous thing.
They’re New. I don’t have any data to point to this, but I’m just speaking from my eyes. The churches who are killing the game in the area of Christ-exalting diversity tend to be church plants who’ve started some time during this century. In many ways it’s easier to start something this bold, than to transition an existing church in this new and daring trajectory.
Young. Millennials and GenZ have proven to be much more open to matters of ethnic diversity and overall justice matters.
A White Aftertaste. What’s interesting is these churches have an historic white base in which minorities have trickled into. Sadly, this hardly ever works the other way. I wish this were different. Over time, minorities have proven much more open to follow white leadership than vice versa.
Quality Is Quantity
“Quality is not always quantity,” I’ve been told. But if memory serves me right, this bit of Christianese was only doled up when it came to my “personal time with the Lord”. The older I get, however, the more I see how wrong I was. When it comes with our walk with Christ, quality is quantity. It really is an inescapable bit of pragmatic truth- those who are most godly spend the most time with God.
Like you, I feel as if there’s never enough time. It feels as if I’m being stretched in every direction imaginable. A friend asked me not too long ago how things were going? I started to tell them it was crazy, but then I had the thought it’s always crazy, and when crazy has become normal, it’s no longer crazy, I guess.
Now this is just a long drawn out way to say a quick glance over my calendar doesn’t allow for long stretches of prayer, certainly not in the four-hour daily ilk of Martin Luther. And yet, as the book title says, “I’m too busy not to pray.” It really is counterintuitive, the more I have going on, the greater the stress and deeper the burdens the more I have to press into God. And it’s here where God was whispering to me in a very clear way that I needed to spend an hour with him daily in communion. Now mind you, his voice was being contradicted by the voices of husbanding, parenting, work and production. But I knew God was right, and over the last year and a half I’ve taken this journey of setting aside an hour with God.
“What exactly do you do for this hour,” a friend of mine asked as I was sharing this with him. Here it is:
20 minutes of praying a passage of Scripture I’ve memorized over myself. I’ve found that reading the Bible exposes me to the Bible, but memorizing Scripture helps me to absorb Scripture. This has been so helpful.
20 minutes of Bible reading.
20 minutes of Intercession. This involves me praying for specific people in my family, church and friendships, along with our world and a host of other items. The names, needs and Scriptures I pray over them specifically is in my prayer journal. When God answers I note it, and often come back and celebrate the faithfulness of God.
While I haven’t emerged from this time having won any father of the year awards, I have noticed some residual rewards of my elongated time with Christ:
1. More joy
2. A heightened God awareness throughout the day
3. Greater effectiveness in preaching
4. Sensitivity to sin
5. Growth in humility
Just to name a few.
Now this maybe too ambitious for some. So maybe your plan needs to be 5/5/5, or 10/10/10, or something completely different. But let’s press in. Things really are too crazy in our lives not to pray.