Friendships
The number one guaranteed way to blow up your life is to live in isolation, detached from deep, meaningful friendships where you know and are known.
Introduction: (IMAGE OF OUR BRIDAL PARTY)
Our wedding day. My wedding party was made up of my friends:
Two of them were old college buddies (Huge and Steve)
One was a newer friend I had just gotten close with in a small group we were placed in about two years before.
My best man was my best friend from childhood.
Another was a childhood friend
Where are they now?
I’m only friends with one.
My best man has turned into a complete stranger who I’m pretty sure has broken up with me- a recent development.
One, I screamed at on the golf course because I thought he was cheating, which is actually quite sad because we both had just taken up the game of golf, and were quite bad, having yet to break 100. I apologized, but it wasn’t quite the same.
The other (Kerwin), went off the deep end, got divorced, gave up on God and moved to Africa.
Another was a horrible tennis player. Do you know what I mean by that?
And the others? Not much to say. We just quietly drifted away from each other, as we sunk into our own lives.
POINT: FRIENDSHIPS ARE OUR DEEPEST LONGING, BUT OUR GREATEST FRUSTRATION. WHY IS THIS? SHORT ANSWER IS SIN.
SIN, IN THE BIBLE, IS NOT JUST INDIVIDUAL, BUT IS PROFOUNDLY SOCIAL, TEARING AWAY AT THE FABRIC OF RELATIONSHIPS:
Adam and Eve when they sin both hide from God and from each other.
Because we are sinners we bring and cause damage to relationships.
Then there are other barriers to friendships:
Busyness
Distraction/Digital Devices: “Technology is seductive when what it offers meets our human vulnerabilities. And as it turns out, we are very vulnerable indeed. We are lonely but fearful of intimacy. Digital connections…offer the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. Our networked life allows us to hide from each other, even as we are tethered to each other. We’d rather text than talk”- Sherry Turkle, Alone Together.
Our preferred default is isolation
Too much pain, that we give up on the project, the very idea of friendship altogether.
Sociologists say we are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic.
Therefore, relationships, true meaningful relationships, require an incredible amount of work. AND I WANT TO SHOW YOU THAT IT IS WORTH IT…IT’S EVEN A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
FRIENDSHIPS ARE NOT SOMETHING NICE, THEY ARE NECESSARY. THEY ARE CORE CURRICULUM IN THE UNIVERSITY OF LIFE.
At 50 I’m sobered by the fact that every person I know who has blown up their lives has lived in isolation, detached from authentic community with others. Proverbs 18:1-2, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment. A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion”.
A theology of friendships:
The Trinity. God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit have chosen to live in rich community and eternal friendship with one another.
The first thing Jesus does at the start of his public ministry, after he emerges from the wilderness, is to pick 12 men to do life with. He eats, travels with and enjoys meaningful time with them. Three of them, Peter, James and John he actually bears his soul with him. These would be, what the Irish call, his aram cara’s- his soul friends. We see this on the Mount of Transfiguration, and the Garden of Gethsemane:
36 Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “Sit here, while I go over there and pray.” 37 And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” 39 And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” 40 And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, “So, could you not watch with me one hour? 41 Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” 42 Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, “My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.” 43 And again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy. 44 So, leaving them again, he went away and prayed for the third time, saying the same words again. 45 Then he came to the disciples and said to them, “Sleep and take your rest later on. See, the hour is at hand, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46 Rise, let us be going; see, my betrayer is at hand.”- Matthew 26:36-46.
The life of David. Always around men.
Contrast David with Samson.
David and Jonathan: As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 2 And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father’s house. 3 Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. 4 And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt. 5 And David went out and was successful wherever Saul sent him, so that Saul set him over the men of war. And this was good in the sight of all the people and also in the sight of Saul’s servants.
POINT: DAVID’S LIFE FLOURISHED AND WAS SUCCESSFUL, IN LARGE PART, BECAUSE HE CHOSE THE PATH OF FRIENDSHIP OVER ISOLATION.
We will never be all that God intends and purposes us to be apart from deep, meaningful friendships.
COMPETENCE MAY GET YOU TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP OF SUCCESS, BUT COMMUNITY WILL KEEP YOU FROM FALLING OFF.
DEFINING FRIENDSHIP:
I want to be careful and clear by what I mean by friendship. Social scientists say we only have bandwidth for about 3-5 friends.
Aram Cara’s soul friends.
Communication pyramid (IMAGE OF AN ACTUAL PYRAMID) 1. Cliche; 2. Facts; 3. Opinions; 4. Emotive; 5. Transparency. Who do you get to levels 4-5 with regularly?
Marc Little and the Cowboy Club conversations illustration.
THE PIVOT WE ALL MUST MAKE- FROM ACCOMPLISHMENT TO RELATIONSHIP.
ARTHUR BROOKS- FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH…
DAVID BROOKS- THE SECOND MOUNTAIN.
BOTH SAY FOR A FLOURISHING LIFE WE MUST PIVOT TO RELATIONSHIPS.
ILLUSTRATION OF ME ON MY 40TH BIRTHDAY.
My crew (IMAGES OF MY ACTUAL FRIENDS).
Ecclesiastes 4…Solomon gets to this when he writes:
7 Again, I saw vanity under the sun: 8 one person who has no other, either son or brother, yet there is no end to all his toil, and his eyes are never satisfied with riches, so that he never asks, “For whom am I toiling and depriving myself of pleasure?” This also is vanity and an unhappy business.
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Solomon’s Point:
Don’t trade relationships for accomplishments.
At the end of our lives our biggest regrets will be relational.
The Inklings.
HOW TO HAVE FLOURISHING FRIENDSHIPS: ARE.
Accessible. We owe everyone love, but very few access. David and Jonathan float in and out of each other's lives. The appeal of tv shows like Friends, Martin. Accessibility. Work was secondary, friendships were primary. Have to be intentional. Calendar it. Go to war with the idol of busyness.
Responsive. Show up. Call. Where there’s a need, sacrifice. Go to war with being inconvenienced. Love is inconveniencing yourself for the convenience of others. This is what David and Jonathan do. 1 Samuel 23:16: 16 And Jonathan, Saul’s son, rose and went to David at Horesh, and strengthened his hand in God.
Engaged. Idea of commitment/covenant. 1 Samuel 18:3: “Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul”. Commitment is hard work, and you’re going to have to commit in the following ways:
Commit to having hard conversations- I MAKE RECOMMENDATIONS, YOU MAKE DECISIONS. It’s not a friendship until you’ve screamed at each other.
Commit to receiving hard conversations.
Apologize often and authentically.
Forgive often and authentically.
Do the work of reconciliation.
Time commitment.
Financial commitment.
SO, CAN I ACTUALLY HAVE ARAM CARA’S/FRIENDS, AT THE CHURCH I LEAD?
MULTIPLE HATS.
TRUST/CONFIDENTIALITY
WILL I BE TRULY VULNERABLE. REMEMBER, BE AUTHENTIC WITH EVERYONE, TRANSPARENT WITH FEW.
Helpful books on Friendship:
Arthur Brooks, From Strength to Strength.
David Brooks, The Second Mountain.
CS Lewis, The Four Loves.
Bryan Loritts, Enduring Friendship.
Nina Totenberg, Dinners with Ruth: A Memoir on the Power of Friendship.
Sherry Turkle, Alone Together.
