Next Level Communicators Use Crockpots
If you want to get better as a communicator consider using a crockpot approach to preparation instead of a microwave. Now I know I may have lost some of you, especially if you are a young millennial or GenZ, so give me a moment. When I was a kid, my mother would get up early on Sunday, pull out the trusted crockpot, and put a whole bunch of ingredients, like chicken, mushrooms, some potatoes, and other goodness, inside. We’d then head out the door where for the next several hours while we sat in church (Yes, it was that long.), our Sunday dinner was slowly being prepared, as it simmered under a glass lid, plugged into an outlet, with the heat turned on low. Later that afternoon, somewhere between the end of the first NFL game and the start of the second, mama would pull the lid off the crockpot and the whole house would erupt in the most enticing smells. Moments later, our family would have dinner where the chicken just fell off the bone and melted in your mouth. A few Christmases into my teenage years, dad bought my mom this new thing called a microwave, where we kids had our minds blown when we discovered that in a few minutes you could have a meal prepared. Unfortunately, with the passage of time, and the loss of getting up-early-on-Sunday-morning energy, mom let the microwave replace the crockpot. And while I understand the efficiency behind this decision, microwaves just can never replicate the quality of a meal prepared in a crockpot.
Over the years I’ve asked many communicators how they go about preparing their messages? Their responses can be whittled down to either the microwave or crockpot approach. Some communicators allocate a half day to a day to get the talk done. Their thinking behind this is one of efficiency. They have other things to do, like leading, administrating and organizing. So for efficiency sake, they can’t let this one part of their job dominate all of what they do. And I completely agree. You should also hear me say, some of the best communicators I know use the microwave method of quick intense preparation in a short amount of time. I am not saying you can’t be a great communicator with this method. I am saying you will get even better if you use the crockpot method.
While the microwave method of preparation centers around efficiency allocating a shorter period of focused time, the crockpot method allots a longer period of time for the communicator to put together the message. For me, what this looks like is I spend about two hours a day over the span of a week in study.
In my years as a communicator I have found the following advantages to crockpot preparation:
Your message gets in your bones. I don’t know what it is about crockpots, but when you bite into a piece of meat it’s not just the meat that’s seasoned and tender, it seems as if the bones are tasty too. I’ve never had this experience with something that comes out of a microwave. The longer the meat has sat in the crockpot and simmered, the better it is. The same holds true for communicators who slowly, and methodically take their time to prepare. When you finally get up to speak, you’re not just talking from your head, but communicating from your bones. The message is truly in you.
Poise. When I was in college I had a communications professor who gave this simple law to giving talks: Less scared when prepared. If you are a newer communicator who crams her message into one day (and especially if it's close to the time when you have to give the talk), you will not be as poised as if you used the crockpot method. When a communicator allows themselves consistent, methodical time, well in advance of their message, they will find one of the residual benefits to be poise and confidence when they do get up to speak, because they have allowed the message to travel from their head to their heart to their bones.
Thoughtfulness. I have some friends of mine who are great communicators who use the microwave approach to preparation. They block off one day a week for intense study, and when they are done the material is really good, and for the most part at the end of that day they are done. Crockpot communicators are different. While microwaves demand we hover and do nothing else as we focus on the clock, crockpots allow us to step away. And I have found that some of my best thoughts for the message come when I’ve left the study and am driving down some street a few hours later, or am in the shower the next day. As I allow the message to simmer in my mind, thoughts begin to emerge. In fact, some of my best sermon material has come to me when I least expected it.
Christmas is around the corner. If you are looking for material to help prepare a talk on Advent, go here to read the best Advent resource I’ve ever come across.
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What Next Level Communicators Understand about Time
Time is the most valuable resource we have. Next level communicators understand this, and leverage time to their advantage.
I was once asked to speak at a Presbyterian church. I don’t know how much you know about these kinds of churches, but Presbyterian’s can be pretty buttoned up when it comes to time. So right before the eleven o’clock service, I asked the pastor how much time did I have for the sermon? He grinned and said, “Oh dear brother, time means nothing here. You speak as long as you like. I want you to feel completely unrestrained. Be you. Be free. But the people leave at noon.” While we shared a good laugh, I could tell there was a kernel of truth to be gleaned from his words.
Not long after the humor died down, I stood up to speak, and things went really well. I’ve been invited back several times, where people have greeted me afterwards with kind whispers of, “You’re my favorite guest speaker.” What’s my secret? I’m determined to speak shorter than what they are used to. That’s it.
The challenge of guest speakers
Most guest speakers don’t realize that when they stand up to address an audience who are used to one primary communicator, they are being met with smiling faces, and disappointed hearts. Which means before you say a single word, you as a guest speaker or a fill in staff pastor, are working from a deficit. Want to close the gap quickly, and move people from disappointed to excited? End your talk earlier than what the people are accustomed to. I know you don’t like what I’m saying, especially if you are a preacher, because preachers love to blame everything on the Lord and the Holy Spirit, especially when it comes to why they spoke so long. But sometimes I think God shrugs his shoulders and says, “That was all you bro. All. You.”
Over the years I have found the following cheat codes helpful for leveraging time:
Ask the question. Always ask how long you have to speak? I don’t care how good you get as a communicator, ask this question, because it first expresses honor and value to your hosts. But the other reason you ask this question is because you understand the audience you are about to address has a certain listening threshold. It’s sort of like a physical trainer working out with a client for the first time. They are going to ask this client a lot of questions, many of them centered around workout history. Why? Because they need to know how hard to push, what their threshold is? And in the same way a physical trainer would never workout a novice and a college athlete the same, so next level communicators get that audiences are different, with different thresholds, and they use the question of time as a great cheat code setting them up for success.
Give them some change back. What this means is if the answer to your question is they are used to listening for 35 minutes, make up your mind to speak for 25-30 minutes. This is especially true for staff speakers, interns, and new communicators in general. I know it's flattering to hear people tell you how great you are, but remember they are always leaving out the most important part: “...for a new speaker”. It’s always better leaving people wanting more, instead of people wishing you were done.
Remember, less is more. Speaking in a shorter amount of time for what the gathering is used to is not only good for them, it’s actually good for you and your growth as a communicator. Cutting down a presentation by ten to twenty percent, is like taking a ten to twenty percent reduction in pay- it forces the person to be way more economical with their words, which is a good thing. Less really is more.
What I’m reading:
Olaudah Equiano: The Interesting Narrative and Other Writings
Find out about my new, forthcoming book, here (Filled with illustrations you should find helpful as a speaker).
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The secret sauce of great communication...
Great communicators never take their audience for granted. They understand their job is to answer two burning questions every person in the room has: 1. Am I going to listen? 2. Why should I listen?
People fundamentally want to know what is it about what you are going to say that has to do with them? If they don’t get an answer to that question quickly, you will lose them. Nail this, and people will be ready to buy your product, vote for you, follow your leadership or make a life altering decision.
When you stand up to speak, it is your job to connect the felt need of your audience to the core message of your talk. While your introduction answers the question of, “Am I going to listen,” the next thing you have to do is to move to the felt need, which centers around the question of, “Why should I listen.” (Note to preachers: When Paul tells Timothy that all Scripture is useful, he is saying every text of the Bible connects in some way to the universal need of humanity. Your job is to find what that universal need is.) This is exactly what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., did in his iconic, “I Have a Dream,” speech. Speaking to a largely black audience, King said these words in just the second paragraph of his talk:
“But 100 years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself in exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition. In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check.”
Can’t you just see their heads nodding as King is speaking to their felt need of freedom in the midst of segregation? What made King’s dream so compelling is he first stopped to address their present nightmare. His audience did not feel free. Many knew what it was to be poor. And every black person in his audience knew the inhumanity of being treated as a second class citizen. The reason why the crowd was so moved by his dream, is he first spent sufficient time making them feel the horrors of their reality.
How do I connect the audience to the felt need of my message?
Take inventory of your experiences. There are two reasons why you will get better as a communicator. One is the reps you will get speaking. But the other reason why you are guaranteed to grow as a speaker is life experience. The more you live, the more you will be able to connect with the felt needs of others. You will know what it’s like to be betrayed, hurt or feel the joy of forgiveness. You’ll be able to speak to people who are battling loneliness and despair, or the euphoria of having a thriving relationship. Unlike athletes, communicators get better with age, because we can repurpose our life experiences to connect with the soul of our audience.
Make them feel it. I have a record producer friend of mine who worked with a very talented artist. When I found out about it, I asked him what this person was like? He said some nice things, but then concluded she wouldn’t last long, because as talented as she was, she didn’t know how to emotionally connect with the listener, through her songs. “She’s gifted, but she just can’t make us feel it,” he said. Sure enough he was right. After one hit she was pretty much done. Great communication is far more than talent, the ability to turn a phrase or tell a nice story. We have to make our audience feel it. The, “Why Should I Listen,” section of our talk, is our time to emotionally connect with the crowd. We do this by being vulnerable and drawing from our own experiences around the felt need. So if I’m talking about keys to a healthy marriage, it would really connect with the audience to talk about a time in my own marriage where things were not going well, and how we were able to come out of it.
Ask questions. Remember, the body of your talk will give the answers to the problem you have surfaced in the, “Why should I listen,” section. As you are exposing the felt need, it’s helpful to raise questions, and even underscore them with pauses. Ever found yourself in debt? Ever been betrayed by a friend? Ever found yourself with the dream house, bank full of money, and still felt empty all at once? These kinds of questions, centered around the felt need of your audience, will not only cause them to nod their heads, but will also create a healthy tension, as they lean in wanting to hear your solutions.
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What the best communicators know about the first 120 seconds...
The first two minutes of your talk is the most important part of what you will have to say…by far.
Next level communicators understand the moment they get up the audience is asking themselves, “Will I listen to what he has to say, or will I fiddle with my phone for the next however many minutes he talks?” Because of this, the first thing you must do as a communicator is to arrest their attention. If your first one hundred and twenty seconds does not grab them by the collar, they won’t engage long enough to hear the meat and potatoes of your talk. The truly great speakers know the value of an effective intro.
I want you to think of your introduction as the landscaping to a house. Let’s say you are in the market to buy a new home, and you pull up to one where the yard is overgrown, the bushes have not been trimmed, and there seems to be way more weeds than grass, and chances are you will hesitate to even go inside and see the rest. I don’t care how valuable the home is, bad curb appeal can actually work against people hanging around long enough for the tour. I know you’ve worked for hours on your sales pitch, and have pieced together a pretty convincing argument as to why a person should choose a certain path, but none of that matters if they're not drawn in by the curb appeal of your message. It’s on us as communicators to get the people to lean in, put down the phone and engage.
At no point in history is the need to grab people’s attention more important than now. Unless they are some kind of student, when you stand to speak it will be one of the few times in the week where they are being asked to sit still for a prolonged period of time and listen. Social media, smart phones and soundbites have served to diminish our focus. This is why communication experts say we only have about two minutes tops to hook them.
So what are some practical ways we can use this precious two minute window to capture the room?
An engaging story which ties either directly to your overall theme, or feeds into your first point. The story should be short, and create good tension among your audience where they wonder where you are going with this.
Humor. This could tie into the first point, where the story has an element of humor to it, or it could be a joke you tell which may not have anything to do with what you are talking about, but could refer to the city you are in. Remember the rule when it comes to humor- it should singe and not burn.
Startling statement. I was once asked to give a talk on the importance of engaging senior citizens within a multigenerational club (interesting subject I know). I began the talk by saying, “The problem with our world today is we have way too many old people…” I let the statement dangle for about three seconds while everyone’s blood pressure spiked, and then finished with, “and not enough patriarchs.” I went on to define patriarchs as older people who leverage the odometer of their lives to invest in the next generation. While their blood pressure returned to normal, I had them hooked for the rest of the talk.
What I’m reading:
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What Next Level Communicator's Understand About Their Feet
The greatest communicators talk way more with their feet than with their mouths.
It was the Greeks who said one of the three traits of a great communicator is ethos, from which we get the word ethics. What they meant by this, is when you listen to a next level speaker there is just this sense she is actually living what she is talking about.
Or to say it another way, the most important part of a communicator’s anatomy is not their mouth or mind, it’s their feet. The truly great speakers embody the message they are seeking to convey.
On February 3, 1994, a small, slightly hunched over woman wearing a habit, emerged from behind a curtain in Washington D.C., to speak to over three thousand of the most influential people in our country at the National Prayer Breakfast. On the stage, a few feet away from her was President Bill Clinton and First Lady Hillary. Scattered throughout the audience were congressmen, senators and Supreme Court Justices, who for the next twenty-five minutes listened as she read her speech in a matter of fact kind of way, rarely looking up, while pretty much breaking all the rules of great communication. Oh, and as if that wasn’t enough, she decided to spend significant time chastising America on the evils of abortion, saying, “Any country that accepts abortion is not teaching its people to love one another but to use any violence to get what they want. This is why the greatest destroyer of love and peace is abortion”. Now you would think her words would be met with the divided partisan response a president gets during his state of the union address. But this is not what happened. Just about everyone rose to their feet and applauded (President Clinton, his wife and cabinet held on tight to their seats, visibly uncomfortable).
Mother Teresa was not done. She took things a lot further, going from abortion to contraception: “That’s why I never give a child to a family that has used contraception,” she said, “because if the mother has destroyed the power of loving, how will she love my child?” A few minutes later she finished her speech, and shuffled off the stage while the audience, once again, rose to their feet and gave her a standing ovation.
Just to be clear, this post is neither about abortion or contraception, nor an attempt to get you to speak on such leg crossing and uncrossing subjects on the occasion you get to address a room full of people with very different perspectives on these matters. Instead, I’m curious as to how in the world Mother Teresa got away with talking about abortion and contraceptives while reading her speech and breaking just about every law of effective communication?
The great speech writer, Peggy Noonan, was in the room that day and also wondered how Mother Teresa got a standing ovation from many who had worked hard to establish the very policies she railed against? Peggy concluded, “She could do this, of course, because she had and has a natural and known authority. She has the standing of a saint.” No, this doesn’t mean we have to achieve saint status in order to talk about certain matters. What Peggy is helping us to see is what made Mother Teresa’s speech work that day, is the audience knew she was buying what she was selling. Mother Teresa had given her life to care for children whose parents had thrown away, and that gave her a kind of currency as a speaker sheer oratory can never give- credibility, or what the Greeks called ethos.
It bears repeating: The greatest communicators talk way more with their feet than with their mouths.
Remember, every communicator brings more than their mouth to the speaking moment.
For some, the most important thing they communicate with is their pockets. I’ve met many communicators over the years whose primary motivation is money. You can spot them a mile away. They typically give a canned presentation that’s both impressive, and heartless all at once.
Others speak mainly out of their ego. These types tend to be more into platform building, than truly inspiring an audience in an intended direction. They’re in it for their own sense of significance, rather than helping others.
The best bring their feet. It’s the sales person who hits his mark every quarter, even breaking records, because when they pitch their product the person on the other side of the table gets the eerie sense that the salesman actually uses and believes in the product they are selling. It’s Winston Churchill, the great Prime Minister of England, whose audience knew loved his country to the core. And it's Mother Teresa who gave herself fully to the abandoned children of Calcutta.
Want to get better as a communicator? Practice what you preach. Buy what you sell. Have ethos.
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"What Next Level Communicators Understand about Pace"
A speaker's pace is like the score to a movie: Understated, but powerful, having the ability to emotionally move audiences from laughter one moment to tears the next. The best communicators are aware of the power of pace, and they use it intentionally to inspire their listeners.
Pace is the rate we speak, and when it comes to effective communication our pace must be varied to match critical moments in our presentation.
Next time you go to the movies, pay careful attention to the music (the score) played in the background of key scenes. Car chases will be accompanied by an up tempo song. Romantic scenes will be underscored by a slower tempo love song. And then there will be dramatic pauses, where there is no music or words, so the audience can digest what has just taken place. Can you imagine a movie where the whole thing is scored by a fast tempo or slow tempo song? That would be miserable, and it would actually work against the intended effect of the film.
And so it is with speakers who do not vary their pace. A communicator who talks at the same rate the whole message, is like the boy who cried wolf. At some point the message will not move the audience in the communicator's intended direction. But speed up over here, and slow down over there, and locate the right pause at just the right moment so your audience can take in what you want them to, and you have set the stage for a presentation that truly moves people.
So how do I know when to speed up, slow down or pause? Broadly speaking, I have found the following to be helpful:
Introductions should be slow to normal pace, as you are taking the strategic first few moments of your talk to connect with your audience, while you are allowing them to warm up to you. In most cases you don’t want to come out hot like a “car chase” scene. That will wear you out, and make it difficult to “rev” back up in key moments later on in your talk.
Humor, broadly speaking, should move at a faster pace (and when I say “fast” don’t hear that as not understandable).
Moments of application are strategic times to slow down and eventually pause. Newer speakers tend to not do well with pauses, thinking they have to fill the air at all times with words; but an appropriate pause at a moment of application is the perfect tool to allow your audience to soak in what you want them to receive.
Where the message calls for the right use of passion, feel free to “step on the gas” with your pace. If you’re talking about the cross of Jesus Christ, this is a great place to let it rip. If you’re moving towards the grand finale of your talk, this too, is a good place to speed up.
If your talk calls for a time where you want the audience to make a decision, this is normally the place to “ease up on the gas,” and slow down.
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The 1 Discipline Great Communicators Have in Common
It’s been said reading is the gathering of intellectual income, while communicating is the spending of it. Or to say it another way, the best communicators are voracious readers.
I’m not sure about all the science involved, in how these two things- reading and communicating- connect, but in all my years of interacting with some of the best speakers, it’s undeniable the role reading has played in their development as world class communicators. As a teenager, I was in awe of Dr. Tony Evans library. In my early twenties, I used to sit on the floor of Dr. Kenneth Ulmer’s home study, as he sat at his desk almost hidden by stacks of books. As a young church planter, I asked Dr. D.A. Carson how many books he read a year, and after some thought, he quoted me a number in the hundreds. Jackie Hill Perry is one of the best communicators of our generation, and one of the deepest readers. Charles Spurgeon was said to have read six books a week. If I was starting to piece together the connection between deep reading and great speaking, this critique by John Wesley- the founder of the Methodist movement- of a young preacher’s sermon, sent me over the edge:
“What has exceedingly hurt you in time past, nay, and I fear to this day, is want of reading. I scarce ever knew a preacher read so little. And perhaps, by neglecting it, you have lost the taste for it. Hence your talent in preaching does not increase. It is just the same as it was seven years ago. It is lively, but not deep; there is little variety, there is no compass of thought. Reading only can supply this, with meditation and daily prayer. You wrong yourself greatly by omitting this. You can never be a deep preacher without it, any more than a thorough Christian. O begin! Fix some part of every day for private exercises. You may acquire the taste which you have not; what is tedious at first, will afterwards be pleasant. Whether you like it or not, read and pray daily. It is for your life; there is no other way; else you will be a trifler all your days, and a petty superficial preacher. Do justice to your own soul; give it time and means to grow. Do not starve yourself any longer. Take up your cross and be a Christian altogether. Then will all children of God rejoice (not grieve) over you in particular”- John Wesley.
Ouch! I mean, reading to be a great communicator is one thing, but linking reading with being a great Christian? Not so sure I would take it that far, but excessive statements aside, I hope you get Wesley’s point. If you want to grow as a communicator, you need to read. And like any acquired taste, start out reading things you enjoy. If you’re into fiction, read that. Sports? Go for it. History? Do you. Reading truly is the gathering of intellectual income, while communicating is how we spend it. A failure to read will result in insufficient funds when it’s time to speak.
Two practical tips when it comes to reading that I have found helpful:
Maximize your reading by developing a system to capture key quotes, points and illustrations. Unless you have a photographic memory, it will do you no good to read if you don’t have a system to make the most of what you are consuming for future use. For me, I use the opening blank page of a book where I will write things like, “Page 87, GI (good illustration), prayer.” When I’m teaching on prayer, I will remember the book I read had a good illustration, but I won’t remember where. So I’ll go to the front page, and there it is. And now I’m ready to spend some intellectual income.
Reading keeps us thoughtful. Tim Keller says the internet is the friend of information and the enemy of thought. The easy thing to do is to substitute reading by going to YouTube, or someone’s podcast to listen to what they have to say about the subject you are speaking on. While this may be helpful towards the end of the process, this, and excuse me for being so direct, is lazy. You really have something to say, and the way we develop our thoughts is through a commitment to read.
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The One Choice the Best Communicators Make
The best communicators are simple, never shallow.
Crowds flocked to Jesus, and stood in awe as he used compelling stories to convey complex realities like the kingdom of God, all while choosing to speak common Greek instead of classical. Jesus was simple.
And then there was the 19th century London pastor, Charles Spurgeon, also known as, “The Prince of Preachers”. His preaching was known as being deep, but simple…accessible to everyone. There are so many stories of children, the uneducated and people from all walks of life, who were captivated by his simple message. Simplicity, in fact, is what Spurgeon aspired towards: “I hate oratory,” he once said, “I come down as low as I can. High-flying language seems to me wicked when souls are perishing” (Spurgeon: Prince of Preachers, Lewis Drummond, page 297).
Easier said than done, for sure. How exactly do we achieve simplicity without becoming shallow? How can we hold the tension of being both deep and common?
I have a friend of mine who when he was just starting out as a speaker gave the Sunday sermon at his church. Afterwards one of the leaders of the church invited him over for dinner. A few hours later my friend knocked on the door, walked into the house and sat down at the dining room table where he was shocked to see a plate filled with raw chicken, next to a bowl of uncooked onions, surrounded by spoons filled with seasonings. Something was wrong with this picture, he thought. Why had his host brought the kitchen to the dining room? Seeing his confusion, the host smiled, placed his hand warmly on my friend's back and said, “Kind of weird isn’t it? But that was your message today. You had wonderful ingredients. Great Greek and theological research, along with insightful historical context. But you never really prepared the meal in a way that we common people could receive it. You gave us the ingredients without putting it together.”
This is a common mistake many communicators make, where they replace the dining room of the presentation with the kitchen of preparation. I want you to imagine every talk you give, and every audience you stand before as walking into a dining room. Dining rooms are places of simplicity. No, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying your presentation should be shallow. Remember, you only enter dining rooms after spending significant time in the kitchen. The speaker's “kitchen” is the place of study, where they labor. Kitchen’s are incredibly complex places…overwhelmingly complex. No one ever gets to simplicity without first dealing with complexity. To rush to the dining room without laboring in the kitchen is to be shallow. To replace the presentation with the kitchen is to be complex. But to work in the kitchen, and then stand in the dining room is the progression which leads to simplicity.
Well, how exactly can we work at simplicity? I’ve tried to model that for you in this note. The imagery of kitchen’s and dining rooms is in itself an illustration of how pictures and stories can be the bridge we use to cross over from the complicated to the common. Whenever you can befriend stories, and use them to communicate.
What I Read Last Week:
Wbat I’m Reading Now
What I’m Reading Next
The Imperfect Pastor (re-read)
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Make This One Tweak to Drive Your Illustrations Home
A great illustration is when people get the point before you give the point.
Master this one thing and you’ll be a master illustrator.
Let’s say you are teaching from Matthew 24 where Jesus says, “But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, or the Son, but the Father only…Then two men will be in the field; one will be taken and one left. Two women will be grinding at the mill; one will be taken and one left. Therefore, stay awake, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming” (Matthew 24:36, 40-42). After you read these words, you make the point that just because two people are in the same place does not mean they will experience the same things. And then you tell this illustration:
One of the frustrating things about microwave popcorn is you place a bag where all of the kernels are in the same place and experience the same heat, for the same amount of time. Finally, when the microwave alerts you, you remove the bag and empty its contents in a bowl, and it’s at this moment where you experience one of the great mysteries of life…some of the kernels have been transformed, while some have remained exactly the same. Doesn’t it just drive you crazy to think that being in the same place does not always guarantee the same result? And just like microwave popcorn, so many people assume that coming to church with other people, singing songs, hearing messages and learning in small groups will bring about the same results that others experience. Being in the right environment no more guarantees your transformation than being in a microwave means you’ll get popped.
Great communicators tell illustrations in such a way that their audience beats them to the punchline.
What I read last week:
A Brand from the Burning: The Life of John Wesley
What I’m reading now:
Playing from the Rough, Jimmie James
What I’m reading next:
On Speaking Well, Peggy Noonan
A Sextant for Dating | Genesis 24, Pt 2
Dating is more art than science; it can feel more like navigating an ocean than putting together a piece of furniture from Ikea (which for a directionally challenged person like me is still no easy task). Don’t I know it. Those first few weeks of dating for Korie and I were euphoric. There was a date night at the movies where we saw Titanic, air hockey at the Santa Monica Pier and long walks on Redondo Beach. And while I thought we were having the time of our lives, what I didn’t realize was Korie was also feeling overwhelmed. She ended up expressing that to me in a marathon phone conversation that went from 11pm-6am. She had just gotten saved, and immediately started to date a pastor and the pressure was just too much. So she broke up with me. I was crushed y'all…just crushed. But, even after breaking up with me, Korie kept calling to tell me all of the wonderful things the Lord was teaching her from Bible studies, to her time in her discipleship group. Now, please forgive me for being “Petty Roosevelt,” but if you break up with me, I really could care less what the Lord is teaching you! It was during this brief intermission in our relationship that we both realized the depths of feelings we had for one another, and so we ended up getting back together, and trying to make our way across the ocean of dating.Talk about a time of uncertainty.
Felt Need
I hold in my hand a sextant (need this prop), a navigational tool that allows you to use fixed things, like the horizon and sun to get your bearings. There are stories of people being lost at sea, and using this tool to lock in on fixed realities and being able to navigate the bumpy ocean waters. In many ways, this is what Pastor JD and I have been doing the last few weeks- giving you a biblical sextant, filled with principles drawn right from the Bible on dating. It’s important that we do this series because if you think about it, singleness is the only season every person will experience. In fact, right here in the Triangle, half of the adult population are single, which is roughly double what it was fifty years ago. What this means is if we are going to really engage our mission field effectively with the gospel of Jesus Christ, we have to have a clear compelling vision for what God glorifying singleness looks like, and since most singles will spend time dating, we need to equip and disciple our people with sound, fixed biblical principles for dating. As I said last week, we also want to encourage married couples to not check out on us. One reason is that dating should not just be something singles do, but should also be something we engage in regularly after we say, “I do.” And of course, who hasn’t made their share of mistakes in relationships? By applying these principles in relationships, we can set a new hope-filled trajectory for future relationships.
Involving Others- Genesis 24:60
As we begin, I want to double click on something Pastor JD pointed out in the first week of our series, and that is the need to not date in isolation, something our passage really models. Genesis 24 is the story of how God is multiplying his people- the nation of Israel- through the courtship of Isaac and Rebekah. And one of the things that should strike you is the sheer number of people involved in this whole process. This is not just Isaac and Rebekah, huddled off doing their own thing. No, there are a whole lot of people who are a part of the process. Consider these people who play a crucial role in their courtship: Abraham, Abraham’s servant, Laban (Rebekah’s brother), Bethuel (Rebekah’s father), Rebekah’s mother, Rebekah’s maiden. What’s more than clear is that Isaac and Rebekah do not date each other in isolation, but this whole thing unfolds in the midst of an engaged community of people.
Now what Genesis 24 is doing at this point is cutting against the grain of our culture of dating. The very word, date or dating, the way we use it today doesn’t appear in literature until the late 1800s, when our culture is going through a seismic shift where young people are leaving rural communities and their families en masse, and coming into the city. Now, away from family, they begin to arrange what they called “dates” for the purposes of a relationship. Previously, there was this thing called courting, where when a woman was around the age of 16, suitors came to her house, presented their cards, and sat in the parlor with the young woman and at least her mother where they would be interviewed. With a lot of input from the parents, the suitors were whittled down to one, and given permission to take the daughter out. So what I want you to see, is before this thing called dating, there was courting, and the fundamental difference was courting was communal, and dating became individual.
So what’s the point here, Bryan? Are you saying we need to end dating, and go back to courting? No. But I do think there’s extreme wisdom in taking a major tenet of courting found not just in American history, but also in the Bible, and that is making a commitment to invite others in the dating process. Why? Well, one, the bible says so: “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety”- Proverbs 11:14. Listen, if you’ve ever bought a house, you know you don’t make that decision in isolation, but there are a whole lot of other people included. There’s the bank who is going to really scrutinize your finances and ask the question if you can afford this. There’s the inspector who will meticulously look the house up and down to see if this is a worthwhile investment. There’s the appraiser who will determine if the home is what it’s worth. There’s the legal realm who will be involved. Now if we include all of these people and more for something that will involve the next decade or so of our lives, how much more do we need to include others for something we will potentially say, “Till death do us part”? There’s just wisdom in including others. And the time to build that community is now.
The second reason you need to involve others is because you have contracted an illness. You sure have. Listen to what these Christian therapist’s say, “Being ‘in love,’ in the beginning of a relationship is an illness. It is treatable, but it is an illness nevertheless. The illness is the inability to see reality. For the very state of ‘being in love’ is a state of idealization, where the other person is not really viewed through the eyes of reality. He or she is mostly seen through the eyes of someone’s own wishes or fantasies…”- Dr’s. Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries in Dating. I’ve seen this happen many times. It amazes me how many people can have a PhD in other people’s relationships, but be at a Kindergarten level in their own. Why? Falling in love distorts reality, because our emotions overwhelm our ability to see straight. It’s at this point where we need to involve others to help navigate us through.
I Got You- Genesis 24:53
The final three points of the message I need you to hear them from the vantage point of me pressing fast forward in the dating relationship to the point where you are contemplating engagement and marriage. Now, when we read
Genesis 24, one of the things which should stop you in your tracks is what made Rebekah comfortable enough to leave her own family, and head out to a country she did not know, to marry a man she had not seen? Verse 53 answers that for us. Scholars tell us what’s going on here is Abraham’s servant isn’t just giving nice gifts, but these gifts are actually the bride price. No, this isn’t buying a woman, but the bride price was a cultural arrangement whereby the groom was communicating he could take care of the future bride. I’ll never forget, when I was in Bible college, I had a classmate who was an international student who was working like three jobs; it was crazy. I remember asking him why he was working so much, and he said it was because he was in love, and was planning to propose, but before he did so, her family required 10 cows as the bride price. I was like, “Do you have to get her a ring on top of that?” He said, “Yes. You American’s get off so easy.”
Men Need to Feel Significant
You know what the message of the bride price is? Three words: I GOT YOU. What these gifts do for Rebekah is it instills in her a confidence that this person can provide for her. It communicates, I got you. And in the same way, both men and women in the dating relationship need to be able to say in so many words, “I got you.” Yeh, but what exactly does that mean? Two things. Men have a core need to feel significant. Now, of course I am not saying women do not need to feel significant. Of course they do, but this tends to be more pronounced with men, and the bible underscores this, where over and over again in the NT women are told to respect their husbands. What this does is speak to a man’s basic wiring to feel significant. We all know Aretha Franklin’s hit song, “Respect,” but what you may not know is that a man, Otis Redding, actually wrote it. Pastor JD, in the first week of the series, pointed to this when he said that one of his favorite things about his wife Veronica is how she makes him feel, and no doubt a part of this has to do with feeling significant.
How does a woman practically do this? Well, one of the ways is by speaking what Dr. Gary Chapman calls our love language. Many of you know this, but there are five love languages: 1. Words of Affirmation; 2. Quality Time; 3. Physical Touch; 4. Gifts; 5. Acts of Service. Now of course this is a two way street, where both men and women need to speak each other’s love language, but when a woman speaks her man’s love language it makes him feel significant, and says, “I got you.” My love language is words of affirmation. Pair that with me being introvert it pretty much means tell me how great I am and leave me alone! Just kidding. But I tell Korie, “I don’t care how many compliments I may get from other people, their words don’t carry a fraction of the weight your words do.” When my wife takes the time to speak my love language it touches on my core need to feel significant.
Women Need to Feel Secure
While a man’s core need is to feel significant, women have a driving need to feel secure (And in the same way we are not saying men don’t need to feel secure). This is why SUV’s have historically been marketed towards women, why the average woman when she envisions her husband thinks of someone taller and stronger than her. It’s also why for many women, the financial dimension is really important. When Rebekah receives these gifts, they are tapping in on her core need to feel secure. These gifts in so many words are Isaac’s way of saying, “I got you.”
Now it’s at this point where some of you may be saying, “Wait a minute Bryan, are you telling me I need to be financially wealthy to get married?” Not at all. In fact, when Korie and I were dating, I was making 18k a year with no benefits in Los Angeles! I used to pray that Korie wouldn’t order certain things from the menu! I was broke. So how in the world was I able to speak to Korie’s driving need to feel secure? I asked her this a few years ago. Korie said that while she knew I didn’t have money, she saw two things which spoke to her need for security: Direction and Drive. She said, “Bryan, I saw that you knew where you were going in life. You had a plan, and not only did you have a plan but you also had a drive, a strong work ethic.” Korie saw me going to grad school, burning the midnight oil, working hard at what God called me to do. And those two things communicated to her, “I got you.” So men, I want to say this pretty clearly: If you don’t have a general sense of direction, and the drive, then you need to press pause on dating seriously. No, I”m not making an argument for single income households where the guy works outside the home and the woman doesn’t, but men you should have a sense of direction and drive to your life.
I’m Leaving- Genesis 24:58-59
Now remember, we are pressing fast forward in the dating process on these last three points. They are for people headed into marriage. Look at what Rebekah does in verses 58-59. She throws up the deuces and says, “I’m leaving,” to her family. This is completely in keeping with Genesis 2, when God says to the first marriage, and therefore to all marriages, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”- Genesis 2:24. See the principle of leaving? What Genesis 2:24 and Rebekah’s leaving her family communicates is a universal principle to all marriages and that is in marriage, the husband/wife relationship is the primary relationship over every other human relationship. It’s primary over the children. I remember once I bought something really nice for Korie and one of my kids asked why I didn’t buy them something that nice? I simply said, “Because I don’t love you as much as I love your mother. Your mother was here before you got here, and she will be here once you leave…at 18…never ever to return!” LOL. A bit overstated, but you get the point. And leaving also communicates that the husband/wife dynamic is more important than our own parents. You can’t be a mama’s boy and have a great marriage at the same time. And you can’t be a daddy’s girl in the sense of relating to your dad as if he’s the most important man in your life and have a great marriage at the same time.
TABLE VISUAL. Now I know what I just said is very hard, so let’s spend some time to flesh this out, and I really need you to grasp this because if you do it will really set the trajectory for an amazing relationship with your parents and in-law’s once you get married. Some psychologists use the visual of a dinner table to describe this point of leaving. Before this man or woman came into your life, your parents were not just at the table of your life, but were seated at the head of the table as authority figures. Once you get married, two things have to happen. First, your parents and your spouse’s parents must get demoted. They are no longer seated at the head of the table. Wife, your dad is no longer the number one man in your life, your husband is. Husband, your mama is no longer the number one woman in your life, your wife is. So they have to get out of their seats, which leads me to my second point: We still want and need them at the table. We want a relationship with them. We want their input, wisdom and involvement. We just need them in different seats. Now I wish I could tell you this is a one and done movement, but it’s not. It’ll take several years with several hard conversations where you need to both communicate your desire for them to be at the table, but also that they are in different seats…
I Love You- Genesis 24:67
Finally, our passage ends with love. Again, these final points are in the advanced stage of dating. Look at verse 67. Here the text says that Isaac loved her, and this is the last thing you must be prepared to both do and say if this relationship is going to be one that lasts a lifetime- I love you. Those words are weighty words which communicate way more than what our culture would tell you they do. These words are not just a feeling, but biblically speaking point to a sacrificial commitment. Paul would say it this way: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends”- I Corinthians 13:4-8a. Did you notice in all of those descriptions of love, not one is a feeling? Now of course love, at times, contains feelings, but biblically speaking, agape love is a sacrificial commitment that seeks the absolute best in the object loved.
Let’s press this a bit further. Paul describes love as patient. One pastor describes patience as the decision to move at someone else’s pace instead of pressuring them to move at yours. What this means is that in the course of a relationship you are going to see things in the other person you want fixed, patterns you want changed, and it won’t happen right away. Sometimes it will take years. And love means I’m patient. Not only that, but Paul says love is kind. You know what kindness is? It’s love’s response to weakness. You really see kindness contrasted with something that is unpleasant. Here’s the point: When the bible speaks of love being patient and kind it assumes that in the context of a relationship we will see each other at our worst, yet love kicks in and says, I’m still with you. I’m often asked the question, “How long should I date before I decide to get engaged?” My answer is always the same, “Date long enough to see the mess. Date long enough to have a good fight, because you want to be able to discern if there is enough commitment there to deal with the weaknesses in others and vice versa (by the way, there are plenty of deal breakers in relationships that you would be wise to end things over.).”
Some years ago a woman got into a horrific car accident that damaged her face. As the doctors were performing surgery they struck a nerve around her mouth that caused her mouth to twist badly. A few days later when the bandages came off, the woman was horrified at what she saw, and she immediately wondered how her husband would react. Later on that day when he saw her for the first time he came over to her, stroked her head and bent down to kiss her twisted mouth. But in order to do this he had to twist his mouth to hers. After the kiss he told her he loved her. This is love friends- seeing the twisted parts in each other and embracing one another.
And this is what Christ did for us on the cross. How do I know Christ loves me? Because he sees the absolute worst in us. He sees our immorality, our rebellion, our prideful self-righteousness. He sees how sin has twisted the image of God in our lives, and yet the bible says that, “God demonstrated his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” The hymn writer, Charles Wesley was so amazed by the love of Christ he wrote: And can it be that I should gain
An int'rest in the Savior's blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain?
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! how can it be
That Thou, my God, should die for me?