Last week, Pastor JD kicked off a four week series on dating that I found personally inspiring today as a married man, and would have really killed for in my season of singleness. When I was 22 years old, I packed up my little Nissan Sentra there in Atlanta, Georgia, and headed out west on I20 for Los Angeles where I was going to serve a church while going to grad school; it was the most amazing time of my life. Our church was about 13k people, with an average age in the late 20s, where many of us were single, loved Jesus and naturally ended up dating. IMAGE OF KORIE AND I. I remember when Korie and I started dating, and having a conversation with some of the leaders there at the church. I knew pretty quickly that this relationship had some real potential, and I wanted to steward this season well. So I asked for some wisdom in how to navigate this relationship, and pretty much all I got was, “Don’t have sex, and if you feel like God is saying she’s the one, get married. Oh, and don’t have sex.” I’m like, “Got it. I really do get it. But what else you got for me?” Crickets. At the end of the day it felt like all I got was a puzzle box, when what I was asking for was a cookbook.

PROP: I NEED A PUZZLE BOX THAT HAS THE IMAGE OF THE FINISHED PRODUCT ON THE OUTSIDE. AND I NEED A COOKBOOK WITH PICTURES. Let me explain. If you’ve ever put a large puzzle together you know the first thing you do is dump all the pieces on the table and prop the box up so the picture can guide you, and that’s pretty much it. Puzzles don’t come with a list of instructions or a clearly defined process. Just a picture. That’s what I was being told by the leaders of the church when I asked about dating: there’s the picture- get married and don’t have sex. But what I really wanted was a cookbook. See cookbooks have a picture of the end result, and they have a mapped out process for how to go about it. I needed some real practical wisdom…discipleship…in the area of dating. I needed a cookbook. 

Felt Need

Today, as we continue in our series on relationships, I want to talk to you about dating. If you think about it, God has ordained a season of life that every person will go through, and it’s called singleness. In America the statistics are pretty telling. About half of the adult population are single, which is up from 28% in 1970. Today, San Jose is affectionately referred to as, “Man Jose,” because it has the largest demographic of single professional men. I guess the picture I’m trying to paint for you is that we have a real opportunity in front of us as the people of God. I just don’t know how we will reach the culture without equipping our single adults for this critical season of life, a season where most will experience dating. And I don’t want those of us who are married to check out on us either. Dating should not be something that ends at the wedding. The wedding is not a finished line, but really a starting line. Many of these principles on dating are still relevant for everyone, no matter what your season.  And believe it or not, the bible has some really clear things to say. 

Not Your Typical “Diet Bible” Message on Dating

Now what some of us are probably feeling right now is a degree of skepticism, because if you’re like me you’ve heard your share of dating messages and they are typically at most, “Diet Bible,” where you jump all over the place and throw some things together, but this is not what we are going to do. Pastor JD did a tremendous job anchoring his message in Song of Solomon, and today and next week we are going to put it in park in Genesis 24. Genesis 24 so happens to be the longest chapter in the book of Genesis. Will you stop and think about that for a moment. The longest chapter in Genesis is not on creation, or sin, but on courtship. This is not to say this is the most important chapter, but neither is it insignificant. Why Genesis 24? Because this story is all about how two single people come together in marriage. It’s a story about courtship, or what I’ll refer to as dating. And of course we must be careful in how we interpret the principles here, because courtship in the Bible is very different from dating today. That said, Genesis 24 still provides us with a ton of wisdom in navigating the waters of dating. 

Does God Care about Friday Night?

In the scheme of things, Genesis 24 is all about the fulfillment of the Abrahamic Covenant, where God promises to make Abraham into a great nation as numberless as the stars in the sky and the sand on the sea. So that by the time we get to Genesis 24 we are seeing the fulfillment of that promise, and the expansion of the Jewish people, as Isaac, the son of Abraham, will court and marry Rebekah, and they will have kids. What our passage is about is the providence of God through the courtship of these two people. And when we talk about the providence of God we are talking about a God who is at work in all things to bring about his good plan. That’s why Paul, in writing of the providence of God, would say to the Romans, that all things work together for good, to those who love God and are called according to his purpose. All really means all. And a part of the all are the dating experiences many of you have. God really is at work in the Friday and Saturday night’s of your life, giving you much needed clarity as you wrestle with the question of is this the kind of person you should marry. 

The Principle of Contentment

Genesis 24 reads like a novella, where we see a God who is providentially at work in this love story of Isaac and Rebekah. And the first thing we see is that both of these singles are completely content. We don’t see Isaac until the end of the story and what is he doing? He’s in a field meditating, communing with God. And when we meet Rebekah she’s busy serving. Neither one is huddled up among their friends where Isaac is complaining about how women can’t be trusted, or Rebekah saying, “GURRRRRL, let me tell you it’s impossible to find a good man.” They are both just the picture of contentment. 

One of the great theological debates centers around the question of whether Paul was single or not? While I for sure have my opinion, I think the reason why the question persists all these years later is because Paul was content. Look at what he says to the Philippians: “I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me”- Philippians 4:10-13. The word content in the Greek is a compound word which means sufficient on its own, and it carries with it the idea of being satisfied with one’s lot. No, Paul isn’t greenlighting some kind of individualism where he’s independent even of God, because he ends by tethering his sufficiency to Christ. 

Like many of you, I have a watch that has GPS and some tech features. In order to get this to work, it has to be plugged in and charged every so often to a source outside of itself. This kind of watch is always needing to find a short lived charge in something else. But then I have other kinds of watches that are automatic. They never need to be plugged in. I just tether them to me, and they are powered off of my movement. In this sense, these watches are content, while the GPS one’s are not. And my concern is too many Christians are getting a short lived sense of happiness and fulfillment off of being connected relationally to others. Dating, sadly, for too many is how they find their sense of self-worth and joy. This is not the way of Jesus. 

This leads to the question of how do we nurture contentment in our lives? Let me give you two things. Christian therapist’s and writers, Dr’s Henry Cloud and John Townsend say we need to cultivate a healthy aloneness: “Your aloneness makes you get involved in relationships that you know are not going to last. It also keeps you from being alone long enough to grow into a person who does not have to be in a relationship in order to be happy. To be happy in a relationship, and to pick the kind of relationship that is going to be the kind you desire, you must be able to be happy without one. If you must be dating or married in order to be happy, you are dependent, and you will never be happy with whatever person you find,” Boundaries in Dating. Secondly, a healthy aloneness can only happen when we place God at the center of our lives. Tim Keller says idols cannot be removed but replaced. If always needing to be in a relationship is your idol, then you have to replace that with God. Notice in Genesis 24, the name LORD or God is used some 25 times in this chapter. Over and over again we find people praying to God, worshiping God, and talking about God. What’s clear is that for Rebekah, Isaac, and their families God is at the center. This is vitally important when we talk about dating. If the center of your heart or affections are not regularly marinating in the presence and joy of the LORD, if you are not experiencing deep contentment and satisfaction in Christ, you will look to dating to impossibly provide you with something only God can, and inevitably experience disappointment in dating.

The Right Place- Genesis 24:1-4

What is Genesis 24 about? It is the story of the spread of God’s kingdom through the nation of Israel as he fulfills his promise made to Abraham. In the opening verses, Abraham tells his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac, but where? Abraham doesn’t leave that up to the servant to figure out, instead he tells him to, “...not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell, but will go to my country and to my kindred and take a wife for my son Isaac”- Genesis 24:3-4. Now is Abraham being racist when he tells his servant to not go to another nation? No. In fact, God warns Israel, and later on Solomon to not marry people from other nations, and it has nothing to do with differences in culture or ethnicity, but everything to do with not being on the same page spiritually when it comes to worshiping the one true God. Instead, Abraham tells his servant to go to his country and find the wife. Here Abraham is giving us the principle of going to the right place. 

What does this mean for us? Well, crassly put, we are more likely to find the right person in church than on Tinder. No, this isn’t me throwing shade on all dating apps- they can be really helpful- but don’t miss the important principle of being in the right place. And of course coming to church to find a date should never be our primary motivation, but it’s more than okay to keep your eyes open for what the Lord may have for you in the house of God! 

It was a January day in 1998, when I took my seat on the stage at the FCMBC (yes, we were old school, and the pastors sat on the stage), and saw her. It was as if the production team had turned down all but one of the lights, with that single light shining on a stunning woman, who had on a white blouse, jet black hair, and smooth olive skin. I was smitten. I turned and said to the EP, “You see that woman there? I’m going to take her out.” To which he said, “No way. She’s out of your league, and if you get a date with her I’ll pay for it.” If you ever wondered what pastors talk about in church, that’s it! So I mustered up the courage, had a few conversations with her, got her phone number and asked her out, and here we are 25 years into marriage, and it all began in the right place. 

Here’s what you want: You want to be so singularly focused on Jesus, that you are running hard after him. And in the middle of the pursuit of Christ, you look around and realize there are other people running in the same direction. What you don’t want is to fall into the trap of thinking you can change that person. Neither you nor marriage will change anyone. 

The Principle of Clarity- Genesis 24:48-49

Now we need to be careful how we approach and handle Genesis 24. There are some very real disconnects between the courtship of the OT and dating today. So while we would be wise to follow the principles in the text, we have to also be careful to not moralize them. On the one hand we see that this is an arranged marriage. But on the other hand, what cannot be missed is the clarity throughout the whole process.. Abraham gives clear instructions for his servant to find Isaac a wife. The servant is clear in regards to his intentions with Rebekah. Look at what he says to her family in verses 48-49. See the clarity?  

In 1952, on a cloudy Southern California day, Florence Chadwick was trying to become the first person to swim from Catalina Island to the coast of California. With one mile left she gave up. Why? At the press conference afterwards she confessed, “All I could see was the fog…I think if I could have seen the shore, I would have made it.” A lack of clarity did her in, and in the same way, a lack of clarity hurts so many relationships. 

Men and women, one of the best gifts we can give each other is the gift of clarity. I’ve yet to meet anyone in a dating relationship who says, “You know, I really enjoy not knowing where I stand, or how the other person feels, or what their intentions are.” I’ve never heard someone say, “Yeh, I just love getting ghosted when I’m dating someone.  No, I am not saying your first date you, in the name of clarity, tell her your intentions are to marry, that can come off as weird and overwhelming. Pastor Ben Stuart says that when he was dating he would always be careful to say to a woman, “Would you go out on a date,” and not, “do you want to hang out,” and certainly never, “Do you want to watch Netflix and chill?” After the date he would continue with the clarity by saying, “I had a really good time, and I will call you,” so she wasn’t wondering. And he would also say to her, “Look, if at any time you’re not into this, please tell me, and I will respect your wishes.” See the clarity? And while it’s not cool for women to ghost a guy, it’s also not cool for a man to leave a woman in the dark, and string them along.

Selflessness- Genesis 24:12-14

So off the servant goes, and when he arrives notice what he prays beginning in verse 12. See the prayer? He’s praying for a selfless woman. When he’s done praying Rebekah shows up (and notice verse 16 comments on her appearance saying she’s attractive. Looks play a small part in this.) and watch what happens: Rebekah offers to give him a drink and his camels. Now one water jar could hold like a gallon of water. One camel required like 25 gallons of water to regain the weight they had lost from the journey. How many camels did he have? Verse 10 tells us he had 10 camels. Now let’s say they just got 10 gallons each and not 25. Well, with her one gallon jar, to water all ten means that she goes back and forth 100 times! So here he prayed for a selfless wife for Isaac, and that’s exactly what he got. 

One of the primary things  on your list to pray for in a spouse, should be selflessness. Why? Because selfishness is the number one killer to all relationships. People have affairs because they’re selfish. People don’t get divorced for irreconcilable differences, but for selfishness, with one or both people refusing to give in. Let me give you four selfish indicator lights in dating: 1. Pressuring to push physical boundaries. 2. Never asks you questions about your life 3. Makes you feel bad for wanting to have a life separate from him/her. 4. Most of what you do together is what they want to do. 

Gospel Conclusion

In John 5, Jesus said that the Scriptures point to him. That’s right, we see Jesus right here in Genesis 24, but how? Jesus was selfless: “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross”- Philippians 2:5-8. Jesus Christ was completely selfless, as he gave up his life for you and I so that we could be in relationship with God. He was completely content. No one lived a more satisfied content life than Jesus. He was single for all of his life, yet singularly focused on the mission of God. Jesus clearly offered salvation by coming to this place called earth, so that you and I could find ultimate satisfaction and security in him. Don’t you see? There’s no way we will ever instigate real joy and fulfillment in others, unless we are finding deep joy and fulfillment in Christ.